Parents Losing Minds in Attempt to Cram Three Summers of Missed Visiting Days into Five Hours of Disgusting Excess

Lake Huron, PA (July 18, 2023) – With Week 3 Visiting Day in the books and only days until camps hold Week 4 Visiting Days, one thing is for absolute certain: parents are going batshit crazy trying to make up for the past three summers of lost Visiting Days.  The maniacal lengths they are going to in order to satisfy their children’s every need is something the camp world has never seen.  Even the most outrageous Visiting Day camper requests have been fulfilled.

Since the 2020 summer season was canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic and the ensuing two summers’ Visiting Days were held virtually as a precautionary measure, parents have been dreaming of the days of sprinting to their children’s bunks with arms full of cellophane wrapped candy towers, lunch from their kids’ favorite local restaurants and unnecessary personalized and trademark-infringed bunk gifts.  It’s been three years of menu planning, wardrobe decisions, and gift buying all for five hours of gluttonous over-the-top conspicuous consumption. 

Not only is it a day to shower their kids with love and gifts, It’s also a day for parents to make up for lost time with old camp friends and acquaintances.  “This date has been circled on my calendar for the last nine months,” commented Melissa Eisenstein, mother of two Camp Huron Lakers, “I haven’t seen the other bunk moms in years so I made sure to be in the best shape of my life, I have blowout and Botox appointments on Friday and as the Bunk Mom, I hired my friend to make customized Bunk 24 Gucci handbags and Lululemon fanny packs for the girls. Those sixth graders will think I’m the coolest mother ever.”

While some may find bunk gifts a tad absurd considering parents are already spending between $10,000 and $20,000 per summer, many parents feel that just because their children are living their best lives with their favorite friends in air conditioned bunks should not mean they’re unworthy of special gifts at the halfway mark of the summer, especially considering they’ve missed out on being showered with presents the past three years. Those years of gift receiving for absolutely no reason can unfortunately never be gotten back.

For many parents bringing their children a twelve-person party tray of sushi may be considered a bit excessive, but not for Huron Lake families the Wieners and the Shnitzels who plan to bring along their own personal sushi chef, Mitchell from Sushi a No No in Short Hills, New Jersey. Due to the camp’s policy of allowing immediate family only, the Wieners are considering adopting the 75 year-old chef but will most likely sneak him in under a wool picnic blanket in the trunk of their BMW 525 when entering the camp grounds.

Sushi chef Mitchell will reportedly be smuggled into Camp Huron Lake to satisfy the sushi-starved appetites of several of the camp’s most discerning palates.

Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein is expecting this summer’s Visiting Day to be the most excessively wasteful one to date.  “I’ve rented a twenty yard garbage dumpster for all the food that will get thrown out. I bought cases and cases of Pedialyte after we get a run of campers vomiting all the food they’ve gorged themselves with for five straight hours because their moms yelled to eat more because they asked for that specific food in a letter two weeks ago. We hired extra nurses to take care of the overstuffed kids and the mothers who decided it was a good idea to wear heels in a camp where every road is littered with dirt and rocks,” the longtime director sighed, “It’ll all be worth it if I meet at least one really hot mom.”

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