New York, NY (July 14, 2023) – In a recent study performed by independent research firm Goldberg Group Inc., it was determined that only three in ten parents actually miss their children when they are attending an overnight camp. Additionally, only one in ten parents miss those same kids at the three-week mark of the summer while a whopping 95% acknowledged something felt different at home but were unable to put a finger on it.
“We’ve done a bunch of studies, especially with first time sleepaway parents, but we’ve found the results of this study to be particularly alarming. It’s as if these parents couldn’t be happier to not be around their kids,” stated Ilyssa Koenigsberg, lead research analyst for the Goldberg Group, “Before the written questionnaire given to the respondents, we verbally asked them just to get an idea whether they missed their kids, most couples answered ‘What kids? Do we have kids???'”
Between academics, athletics, and social pressures, today’s parent seems to be constantly stressed about their children’s well-beings so when they’re away at what essentially amounts to a $2,000 a week resort, most admitted not only do they not miss them, they often forget they have children altogether. The study found that after only three days after drop off, 80% of parents had trouble recalling their children’s names, the schools they go to, and even the camp they’re attending.
Behavioral scientists noted that this phenomenon is not uncommon and has seen a dramatic rise in the past few summers. Dr. Phil Brawn, a prominent expert on parenting is not surprised by the uptick, “As a parent, especially a Jewish one, there are so many hats you need to wear on a daily basis…teacher, therapist, driver, cook, therapist, coach, trainer, therapist, college counselor, wait…most hire private college counselors…anyway, I can go on and on. So once your children are away at camp, the brain has a built in mechanism which shuts down the need to give a shit about them.”
Children being away provides most parents a much needed hiatus from the daily grind of carpooling, homework, and refereeing friend group squabbles and allows them to recharge their batteries for the long slog of the upcoming school year. Taking trips overseas, meeting friends for dinner on a Tuesday night, or just joining a local neighborhood orgy seems to make parents feel like the people they used to be before spending every waking second of their lives trying to please a bunch of needy, entitled offspring.
“Anyone who says they miss their kids is a liar,” commented Lawrence Fishbern whose two children attend Camp Huron Lake in Pennsylvania and has blocked all incoming calls from the camp. “I’ve spent two weeks in Europe with my wife, take edibles with friends on a near nightly basis, and have not eaten one chicken nugget since my kids left. It’s been wonderful. If I have to be completely honest, kids can be a real inconvenience.”