Lake Huron, PA (July 21, 2023) – Camp Huron Lake Senior boy counselor Jake Edelstein is truly looking forward to meeting the parents of Jaycin Teitelbaum, the fourteen year-old nightmare of a camper, to see what type of people could have possibly spawned and raised such an incredible douchebag of a son. Edelstein has prepared a list of questions for the Teitelbaums, the first being why couldn’t they just spell his name like every other Jason on earth.
Since the day camp began, young Teitelbaum has been a complete asshole of a camper. Whether it is lying about his conquests with the young ladies of Bunk 30 or showing off a few newly-grown armpit hairs, pretty much everything this kid does seems to be designed with the intention of annoying the shit out of both his counselors and fellow campers. Just yesterday, he threatened to have Edelstein and his co-counselor, Swedish twenty year-old Beno Seguart, fired for making him perform his assigned inspection duties. The young jackass claimed that his cleaning lady would be coming on Visiting Day to take care of his chores.
“This is my third year as a bunk counselor and I’ve had some really great kids in my bunks but this Jaycin scumbag is ruining my summer and everyone else’s. How can a child not have one redeeming quality? His parents must be real assholes,” commented Edelstein while the young hellion lectured the rest of the bunk on how expensive his Bar Mitzvah was and that his bunkmates all missed out by not coming, “And all summer long he’s been insistent that he felt his sixteen year-old girlfriend from home’s breasts ‘over the shirt but under the bra’ whatever the hell that means. You can see why we think he’s the son of Satan.”
Since day one of camp, Teitelbaum continuously makes fart noises whenever the Group Leader speaks to the division then looks around for the approval of his peers. Other offenses include hitting a swim instructor with an oar in the back of the head, stealing bunkmates’ towels for free swim as well as testicle drying after nightly showers, undoing the springs on the top bunk which led to windsurfing specialist breaking his collarbone when crashing down on the camp DJ and repeatedly yelling “golden shower!” while peeing in the direction of junior boy Ross Goldin in the shower house in full view of other campers.
This week’s camp doctor, pediatrician Dr. Howie Kaufman has treated Teitelbaum on several occasions and has administered multiple behavioral tests to form a diagnosis yet has continued to come up empty. “In my professional opinion, to put it clinically, he’s simply an asshole. Too bad his uncle is (camp director) Marty’s (Feldstein) divorce lawyer.”