Port Washington, NY (June 30, 2023) – A local father and University of Michigan alum has reportedly demanded that his twelve year-old twin sons attending Camp Huron Lake be moved out of Bunk 23 because one of their counselors is a rising junior at The Ohio State University. After viewing a picture of his sons finally overcoming their fear of heights on the zipline while being escorted down by a young man wearing an Ohio State Science Department t-shirt, Glen Weinberg, 46, of Port Washington has threatened to pull his sons, Brady and Woodson, from the camp and begin legal proceedings if they are not placed in a new bunk by week’s end. The counselor’s name is being withheld at this time due to camp privacy policies.
Since matriculating at the Ann Arbor institution in the fall of 1995, Weinberg has developed a hatred for anything related to or resembling Ohio State and still refuses call the school down south “The Ohio State University” let alone pronouncing “The” as “Thee” when addressing the Buckeye State school. Weinberg’s wife, Monica, a Wisconsin graduate and pioneer in photorefractive keratectomy eye surgery does not share the same hatred toward the place someone studied after high school as her stay-at-home husband.
Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein defended the bunking procedures. “We typically tell campers their bunk assignments through email two or three days before the start of camp to limit the number of parent calls and complaints. Our hands were kinda tied. The twins’ division has three bunks. One of the bunks has a counselor from Penn State and another from Indiana, the other one has students from Maryland and Michigan State. It was a tough choice but we opted for the bunk with a counselor from a town outside of London and the Ohio State kid. The OSU kid’s never been to an athletic event and spends most of his time at school in the lab as a research assistant helping with a pediatric cancer clinical trial.”
Both Brady and Woodson, named after NFL Superstar Tom Brady and Michigan Heisman Trophy Winner Charles Woodson, don’t seemed to be bothered by where their counselor goes to college. In fact, the non-athletic boys have been spending a lot of time with their counselor at Arts & Crafts where they sewed stuffed animals to give to home-sick campers and molded and fired a set of beautifully designed ceramic napkin rings inscribed with the letter “W” to signify their last name or if turned upside down an “M” for their psychotic father’s unnatural obsession with his alma mater.
The twins’ parents have even gotten a call from the boys’ Group Leader proudly exclaiming that they have finally learned to swim under their counselor’s tutelage and will be able to go on the annual canoe trip for the first time and they’ve made a ton of progress learning their torah portions for their upcoming October Star Wars-themed B’Nai Mitzvah with the help of their truly special counselor.
Despite the overly positive phone call, Mr. Weinberg was still beside himself as his border collie Harbaugh barked in the other room. “I don’t care that this counselor passed up Yale and Brown or wherever to go to ‘that’ school so he could be closer to his sick grandmother in Shaker Heights. He’s going to undo all the Michigan brain-washing I’ve done their whole lives. And god help Marty if my kids come home with scarlet and grey lanyard bracelets or this counselor starts calling Woodson ‘Woody’!”
When asked if he’s excited to get back to college for this year’s football season, the counselor couldn’t contain his excitement, “I absolutely love Saturdays in the fall. I always have a ton of work and the library is completely empty all day. It’s the perfect time to really focus on my studies and cancer research.”