Livingston, NJ (June 27, 2023) – Despite spending ten times as much packing her daughter than actually birthing her, local mother Shari Goldstein won’t be winning any Mother of the Year awards from Sylver, 11, for failing to anticipate several camp essentials her daughter realizes that she desperately needs after only a day and a half at camp. The pre-pubescent junior girl at Camp Huron Lake in the Poconos has already sent a dozen or so letters home marked “Urgent” threatening to come home for the summer unless her demands are met on or before Visiting Day.
After spending nearly $2,000 on camp-themed items and, based on the type of student Sylver currently is, “reach” college clothing at local fashion hotspot Lenny’s for Less, Goldstein thought she had all of her bases covered for the upcoming summer. Unfortunately for the single mother of two, she was sorely mistaken.
“I’ve never been so humiliated in my entire life,” exclaimed Sylver. “On the first day everyone got ready for the swim test and I was the only one without an Aviator Nation bathing suit or sweats. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die! I had to wear this Versace one my grandparents bought for me last week for graduating from fourth grade.”
In a recent study performed by the Council for American Mothers Psychology (“CAMP”), it was found that nearly nine out of ten mothers are completely incapable of reading their daughters’ minds at the exact present moment while none were able to predict what their girls would be thinking a week or two in advance. The study highlighted the obvious shortcomings today’s sleepaway camp mothers.
CAMP spokesperson Lindsay Wilkowitz highlights the fact that no matter what mothers pack or send to camp, it will likely never be enough. “I had a session with a mother whose daughter was obsessed with Pineapple Hint SPF 30 Sunscreen towards the end of the summer and during their Spring Break trip to Aruba so naturally she sent a three-pack with her. Unbeknownst to her, apparently Hint now ‘sucks’ compared to the skin care products offered by newcomer Drunk Elephant.”
The last straw for Sylver came as the girls filled their “canteens” for an afternoon of kickball and Steal the Bacon. To her horror, bunk alpha female Goldyn Silverstein and her cronies all sported personalized, tie-dyed YETI water bottles while hers, also a YETI, was just plain white and held six less ounces.
The elder Goldstein has come to terms with being a subpar mother. Since Sylver’s father left the family three years ago, her mother has worked two jobs simultaneously, does all the cooking and cleaning in the home where she barely scrapes enough money together each month to pay the mortgage, and shuttles her and her younger twin brothers to and from a multitude of sports and after school activities. She openly has admitted that it’s difficult if not impossible to keep up with the latest trends since she uses any alone time to take a nap to stave off clinical exhaustion.
“If she doesn’t bring me a Lululemon Tiered Pleats Tennis Dress on Visiting Day, she’s officially the worst mother on the planet,” noted Sylver.