Lake Huron, PA (July 16, 2021) – All that stood between Camp Huron Lake Senior boy Jake Horowitz and his first hook up was a Covid outbreak at another camp and poorly made designer face mask. Destiny, not to be confused with his bodacious step-mother Destinee, seemed to finally be on his side as the fourteen year-old young man walked Eyreland Rosenberg back to the path dividing Girls Side and Boys Side after their co-ed evening activity.
After a rough summer last year as the only kid at camp and an equally difficult school year, Horowitz has come into his own shedding his glasses for contacts, getting into great shape, and finally losing enough baby teeth to get braces for his horribly crooked smile, all leading him to no longer be the least desirable boy in the Senior division. Coupled with the fact that the Senior Girl division has a “hook up pact”, all the cards were in place for a lip-locking session fourteen years in the making.
“I had it in the bag then some camp had a Covid scare and (Director) Marty (Feldstein) decided we’d have to wear masks again just to be safe,” a dejected Horowitz commented. “I slowly pulled down her mask after she filled out her consent form and had them notarized by the camp attorney, I pulled down mine and went in for the kiss. That’s when things got ugly.”
On the precipice of glory, apparently as Horowitz leaned in to finally plant one on his girlfriend of one hour (six weeks in real world non-camp time), he misjudged where Eyreland’s mouth was and ended getting his top front braces entangled in her shoddily-stitched knock-off Chanel face mask. As drool cascaded from his bottom lip onto his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend’s Birkenstocks, counselors dashed over to try to untangle her mask from six thousand dollars’ worth of orthodontia.
“He’s yanking his head back like an angry horse and she’s pulling away in disgust while he’s still holding her hands. The elastic around her ears finally broke freeing the two but not before she fell on top of him then the mask ripped her hoop earring from her left earlobe,” Horowitz’s counselor Kevin Weinstock reported, “Poor girl thought she was going to get kissed but instead gets a foot covered in saliva, burns behind her ears and an appointment with board certified dermatologist Jonathan Zizmor who’s coming up tomorrow to fix her ear.”
Back at Bunk 27, Horowitz engaged in a spirited debate with his bunkmates to determine whether, in fact, the comedic episode that took place on the dirt path moments ago should or should not be considered “hooking up”. While Horowitz was unable to chime in due to the better part of Eyreland’s mask still stuck in his mouth, Rudy Ginsburg and Eli Kagan argued the opposite sides of the debate and ultimately decided, despite Horowitz’s claim that he touched some part of her back and/or shoulder, Horowitz would most likely have to wait until next summer for a legitimate hookup.
“The intent was there but legally in this case, intent doesn’t qualify as performing the act so we had to rule against Jake,” explained bunkmate Justin Sheindlin. “He’s going to be really upset when he finds out that Finkelstein made out with her after he walked her back from the infirmary.”