Horowitz Probably Not Going To Be Hooking Up This Summer


Lake Huron, PA (July 10, 2020) – It is looking less and less likely that 13 year-old Jake Horowitz will be engaging in any physical activities with a member of the opposite sex as he continues to be the only camper at Camp Huron Lake.  Despite having the high hopes of some necking and light petting with any of the female campers in the Senior Division, Horowitz will have to wait until next summer to potentially lock lips with a future girlfriend.

Coming into the summer, Horowitz set his sights on a few girls from Bunk 34 who he knew, through Instagram and Snapchat, had boyfriends at one time or another during the school year making them more open to making out behind the Infirmary or in the hockey rink during Free Play.  His plans unfortunately came to a crashing halt as the COVID-19 pandemic’s social distancing rules cancelled the camp season for everyone else whose parents were not willing to essentially rent out the camp for seven weeks.

Horowitz’s counselors have tried to soften the blow of another summer without a girlfriend by empathizing with the hormonal horndog. 

“I understand how he feels and how anxious he is,” explained Camp America counselor/lothario Gareth Oakley, “But to be honest, he’s really not all that attractive and his toothbrush is still in its packaging and it’s the second week of camp.  Someone has to have a talk with him about expectations.”

With trips to Hershey Park, bowling, roller skating, and possibly a Mystery Bus Ride, this summer was ripe for opportunities for Horowitz to take advantage of the aphrodisiac effect of the coach bus which turns ordinary prudish teens into ravenous sex-starved young adults.  Unfortunately, the Caligula-like orgy on wheels will have to wait another twelve months or until the next un-chaperoned Bar/Bat Mitzvah bus rolls into town.

Despite having come up with several nonsensical Covid-related pickup lines like “Can I flatten your curves?” Horowitz is confident that next summer will be the one that he will fulfill his destiny.  “After quarantining and socially distancing for almost a year, some girl will definitely be desperate enough to hook up with me,” Horowitz stated with a hopeful enthusiasm.

When asked about Horowitz, Senior Girl Lyndzee Gettlemen of Syosset provided, “That kid? How do I say this nicely? When I see him at a social, I like at least six foot of distancing between us.” 

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