Lake Huron, PA (July 30, 2021) – In a move to appease overly sensitive parents in the current Cancel Culture climate, Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein has frustratingly made the decision to change Color War to “Happy Games”. After accusations of being “pro-war” from several of the junior camp parents, the camp administration unanimously voted in favor of a more non-descript, generic name for the camp’s signature event.
Just as the real estate community has moved away from “master bedroom” to “main bedroom” and the professional world has shunned gender-specific terms such as “postmen” and “postwomen” who are now referred to as “mail carriers”, the camp community is no longer immune to the renaming of its decades-old traditions. It has caused a seismic rift between new-age philosophy and old school thinking.
“We received dozens of calls from parents complaining that Color War sounded way too combative and aggressive for their preteens. Other parents claimed that use of the word ‘color’ was discriminatory towards children who do not particularly like colors, whatever the hell that means,” commented Feldstein as he shook his head, “We had one grandma that called in saying we should call this event ‘The Gay Old Time Games’ but I had to explain that, while I’m supportive of all sexual orientations, it probably isn’t a great idea.”
In addition to making the event name change, Feldstein felt the need to get ahead of the curve and made several other switches to be more in line with today’s new terminology. Due to its violent connotations, the traditional Tug of War will never take place again. Moving forward the camp will compete in “Rope Tugging” to the delight of all of Boys Side. Marty creepily mentioned that campers may also refer to the event where two teams grab a flaccid, limp rope then pull it to their hearts’ content as the “Tug of Pleasure” to accentuate the fun, relieving nature of the event.
No longer are the leaders of each team going to be referred to as “generals” or “chiefs” but instead will be called “Directors Of Rowdy Cheering” or “DORCs” to foster a nurturing, non-combative atmosphere throughout the five day event. Gone are the days of attending the daily “pow wow” and instead campers will be party to a “morning minyan” to detail the days upcoming events. Additionally, Steal the Bacon, a game where each team has to grab an object and safely return it to their side without being tagged, has been eliminated entirely because both “stealing” and “bacon” are against the most sacred tenets in the Semitic community.
Perhaps the biggest update is to the crown jewel of past Color Wars, the Apache Relay. Widely criticized by the Apache nation, this relay has been due for a rebranding for some time. This relay consists of a series of different tasks and sometimes absurd events performed by different members of each team. The first team to break through the finish line tape, a long piece of toilet paper held six feet apart by senior staff members at the front gate of the camp, is declared the winner.
“We worked together for a while on that one. We decided on naming it after the last part of the race,” Feldstein boasted, “There’s no way the Apaches or any Indian tribe could be offended by the TP Relay.”
Senior Boy Jaxon Ezra whose Mohawk hairstyle is referred to as a “head landing strip” knows this year’s Happy Games will probably not resemble Color Wars of the past. “They should’ve just cancelled the whole damn thing. I honestly think we’d be better off just sitting in the bunk all day and mainbating to the June ’97 Penthouse Forum Letters.”