Lake Huron, PA (July 27, 2023) – Camp Huron Lake’s Marty Feldstein hiring of Dr. Seuss as the Week 4 camp doctor turned out to be a mistake of near biblical proportions. In an effort to avoid hiring a board certified physician whose child would then receive a tuition discount, Feldstein, for years has made egregious errors in an attempt to save a few bucks by employing other unqualified candidates such as world-renowned sexologist Dr. Ruth and Dr. Dre of rap group NWA fame.
Typically, the camp doctor is a former camper or parent of a current camper and is more than competent in handling minor medical cases such as rashes, headaches, bumps and bruises, and intestinal issues. Unfortunately, after food poisoning wreaked havoc on what seemed like half the camp after Friday night’s dinner, Dr. Seuss was only able to provide nonsensical rhymes which only made the campers feel in worse shape than when they arrived at the Health Center.
Inter boy Sam Fishman went to see the doctor complaining of a stomach ache and cramping yet only walked away with a frustrating back and forth with the cartoonish doctor in which Seuss offered something he thought may help his stomach issues.
“Would you like green eggs and ham?
Would you like them Sam Fish Man?”
“I would not like green eggs and ham
And the name’s Fishman, not Fish Man”
“Would you eat them in a box?
Would you eat them with some lox?”
“Do you not know ham isn’t parve?
Camp’s kosher style, I’d rather starve.”
Following this inane exchange between the two, Fishman proceeded to speak to one of the nurses who gave him a lozenge and sent him on his way. “I don’t have a damn clue as to what happened in there. This new doctor is an idiot. Who the hell would eat green eggs? With ham, for that matter?” complained Fishman as he enjoyed the soothing sensations of a lemon lozenge.
On Saturday afternoon Soph Boy Jaxyn Jacobson arrived at the Health Center with severe stomach issues complaining of having to run to the nearest toilet all over camp to relieve his bowels at least six or seven times so far. Instead of being admitted for observation, Dr. Seuss serenaded him with a whimsical motivational speech about his stomach issues.
“Oh, the places you’ll go!
You’ll crap in the bunk
You’ll crap on the bowl
If you’re at Mini Golf
You’ll crap in the hole.
And when your gut starts to gurgle,
Don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just get to the toilet.
And do what you do.
If you make it on time
Sit down and get ready
For the toilet parade
It’ll rain brown confetti,
Kid, you’re gonna crap everywhere!!”
A confused Jacobson, 9, then ran to the bathroom in the back of the Health Center yelling as he clenched the cheeks of his posterior together for dear life while holding up both fists, “I’m gonna shove Thing 1 and Thing 2 up your ass, you moron.”
According to the camp chef, Friday night’s dinner consisted of matzoh ball soup, turkey, and what turned out to be expired gefilte fish for the non-meat/poultry eaters. “I think it was the fish that was bad. I feel terrible about it but I’m sure the camp doctor will take care of them,” noted the chef, whose name is being withheld until a thorough investigation is complete.
For vegan super senior girl, Sydnie Saperstein, 15, finding relief for her severe stomach cramps was hard to come by at the health center. Upon telling Dr. Seuss she felt sick after eating a half a piece of gefilte fish, the faux physician gave her a semi-decent diagnosis.
Feldstein realized the error of his ways after the food poisoning episode, “I had no idea Dr. Seuss didn’t go to med school. I guess rhymes aren’t a good substitute for actual medical care. I’ll do better in the future. I promise.” The director plans to reach out to Dr. Scholls, Doc Martin and Dr. J in hopes of bringing one of them in next year.