Lake Huron, PA (July 25, 2023) – They descended on Camp Huron Lake like zombies in a post-apocalyptic war zone clad in tank tops and t-shirts, way too short jean shorts and designer sneakers. They came carrying thousands upon thousands of bags filled with more crap than a port-a-potty after a hot dog eating contest. They screamed their children’s names as they sprinted toward the bunks. Yet all their kids saw was a scary swarm of confusion as hundreds of indistinguishably dressed mothers raced to hug their babies.
According to a study recently completed by the Journal of Apparel and Paraphernalia (JAP) four out of five mothers surveyed wore near identical outfits with small variations in most instances. Of those surveyed, nearly one hundred percent noted that they knew of a friend or fellow bunk mom whose ass was sticking out of the bottom of the shorts and several noted in the comments section that they knew at least two or three people who were hiding the tags on the items being worn in hopes of returning it following the five-hour event.
New York City mother of three, Danielle Levine, knew she had to dress to impress when seeing Lexingtyn (12), Madisyn (10), and Parkyr (9) for the first time in four weeks. “I didn’t want to embarrass my kids by wearing something from the Gap so I went with a plain white shirt from Balmain and AG jean shorts,” the affected mother commented, “I wanted to look a little different than the other bunk moms so I made sure my Gucci belt bag matched my Golden Goose sneakers. I’m so glad I wore my Gooses, is it Geese?…because soooo many women were wearing plain white Prada sneakers. I would have been mortified.”
Apparently, the go-to outfit this summer consisted of an overpriced plain shirt or tank, some sort of belt bag, jean shorts designed to be worn like a thong, and a pair of casual lifestyle sneakers. This outfit combination along with self-bronzer and recent Botox treatments truly made for mass confusion as parents came to the bunks to pick up their children.
“All of these dark haired women were rushing the bunk. I couldn’t tell who my mother was. They all looked the same. It was like a middle-aged Jewish stampede,” noted junior girl Beaux Fishman, “Luckily, I was able to make out her Nike Dunks and her giant monogrammed Chanel belt bag behind the candy tower she was carrying. I was so happy to see her.”
Despite these women spending hundreds of dollars on the latest fashion trends, most of their husbands spent the afternoon ignoring them and their kids in order to watch camp favorite step-MILF, Destinee Horowitz, 35, sunbathe in one of her famous micro bikinis at the lake next to the boat shack.