New York, NY (August 1, 2023) – Top forensics experts are being hired and retained for the entire summer by crazed camp parents leaving police precincts unable to investigate some of the summer’s most serious crimes. The experts are raking in the cash for their seven-week stint scrutinizing every single detail of any picture posted on the camp website related in any way to their employer’s children. Some of the forensics scientists have subcontracted private investigators as well as body language and penmanship experts to assist in their field work.
Not so long ago, camps would take pictures throughout the summer and have a fun slideshow at the end of the season to the delight of campers and staff. This all changed in recent years as demand for nightly photo dumps grew due to parents’ increasing need to control every single aspect of their children’s lives. Now it seems as if every picture is analyzed with advanced computer software to determine whether their child is fully or partially in the photo and based on the picture, what type of day the child had or the mood the child was in.
“It’s the easiest money I’ve ever made,” commented Frank Marino, a 25-year veteran of the NYPD, who along with his colleagues have made more money this summer than they do over two years including overtime, “If their kid isn’t in the picture, I make up some reason why and if they’re in the picture, I assure them the kid looks happy even if they’re not smiling. For one really over-the-top but well-to-do parent, I tell them the kid looks like she’s having a tough time with her friends, so they upgrade the deluxe package, “Helicopter Plus”, which they think includes me talking directly to the camp photographer for added insight like they remember any of the five thousand pics a day they take.”
For parents at Camp Huron Lake, the nightly photo dump onto their CampFinder website takes becomes such a debilitating obsession that it takes over their entire summer. The scrutiny of each and every picture has reached a level that even the most seasoned camp professionals don’t know how to handle these crazed parents.
“We had Visiting Day last Sunday and our photographers took a ton of family pictures, pics of parents playing tennis or swimming with their kids,” explained an exasperated Marty Feldstein, Director of Camp Huron Lake, “I had one parent call to see if her child had a fun time because there was a picture of her son having a catch with his father and, according to her forensic expert, couldn’t pinpoint her son’s exact level of happiness at that moment in time. And she was there watching this happen!!! How the hell would I know?”
Detective Marino mentioned that once he figures out whether Jasmyn Shapiro meant to put her hand on the shoulder of bunkmate Mallorie Moskovitz and if they’re still BFF’s and still want to go on a teen tour together in the summer of 2025, he will likely return to the more pressing issue of submitting DNA evidence to Manhattan District Attorney’s Office to hopefully free a wrongly imprisoned father of two currently in year seventeen of a thirty year sentence for forcible entry and armed robbery.