Huron Lake, PA (July 31, 2018) – When Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein hired Dr. Dre, formerly of the rap group NWA and co-creator of Beats headphones as the camp doctor for Week 6, he had no idea how dangerously underqualified Dre truly is. After pediatrician Dr. Josh Goldenberg had to bow out at the last second when his sixteen year-old son was thrown out of camp for vaping and/or juuling, Feldstein was desperate to fill the position so much so that he hired the first doctor recommended by the senior boy campers.
Dr. Dre, despite having absolutely no medical training whatsoever, decided to take the position as a break from the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles and to enjoy the clean, fresh air Huron Lake had to offer. From the second he entered the camp infirmary, he was treating “motherfuckers and bitches” from morning clinic call through nighttime medicine rounds. Because he had zero clue what he was doing, most campers were treated with cannabis edibles such as gummies and brownies and quickly sent on their way. “One squirrely little son of a bitch” came into the treatment center with a raging migraine but found quick relief with some of that sweet chronic and a pair of Beats headphones. Dre mentioned that if he returns tomorrow he’ll “send his ass straight outta Huron”.
Junior Boy camper Justyn Shapiro really enjoyed his visit to the health center on Monday after believing he may have suffered a slight concussion when he fell off circus trapeze. “My head was ringing a little after I bounced off the net onto the ground but Dr. Dre gave me some of that Caribbean cabbage and now I feel fantastic,” Shapiro, 9, commented while he tried to feel his extremities. “I’m going back tomorrow to make sure I’m better. He better give me some more of that sha-bang-a-bang-a or I’ll be pissed.”
Feldstein may be regretting his decision to bring on Dr. Dre after finding out that Dr. Phil and Dr. Pepper recently became available after stints at nearby camps. Although he is happy that all the campers are feeling better, there have been at least seven break-ins at the dining room kitchen and the canteen. Feldstein has been forced to spend thousands on replenishing the camp supply of cheese doodles and chicken wings, an expense he did not factor into the camp budget.
Next week Camp Huron Lake’s health center should be back to normal as Doctor Seuss comes to stay and saves the day for Dr. Dre in every way.