Lake Huron, PA (August 5, 2022) – Camp Huron Lake Color War Leader Jake Schwartz could hardly contain his excitement when he learned he’d be leading half the camp in the summer’s signature event. But only moments later, he realized that there was a fairly strong chance that his home friends would get a hold of pictures of him donning the traditional leader outfit of face paint, a tutu, a cape, and, possibly, glitter ball alien antennae.
In the summer of 2013 when Schwartz was just thirteen years-old, his lifelong dream of becoming a Color War Camper Captain was fulfilled. He thought he would return home as a conquering hero but, instead, was relentlessly bullied by his home friends who not only couldn’t grasp the concept of Color War, but also didn’t give a shit about his fancy clipboard and “Captain” title. Now, seven summers later, Schwartz is praying that his fraternity brothers in Tri Lam at the University of Wisconsin don’t get a hold of any Color War pictures courtesy of the twelve other counselors who also attend the same school. Had Schwartz gotten a bid to either Sammy, AEPi, or ZBT, this situation could have been completely avoided.
“I can probably go with the red cape and face paint but I want to make sure everyone knows I’m a Leader. I think wearing the frilly fire red tutu really hammers home the fact that I’m in charge,” lamented Schwartz to his female counterpart Abby Frankel as she applied copious amounts of paint to his face essentially ruining six months of rigorous Accutane treatments. “Did the Inter girls decorate my clipboard? I want it to really pop!”
For years Schwartz has taken a ton of abuse from his non-camp friends for singing Color War fight songs and alma maters instead of the original lyrics. At an 80’s mixer with Phi Mu, he was overheard singing The Police’s mega-hit “Every Breath You Take” but with “Every friend we make, Here at Huron Lake, I’ll remember you” immediately squashing any chance of hooking up with a moderately interested, out-of-his-league junior from Milwaukee.
The thought of seeing his name up on the winning team banner when he comes back to Camp Huron Lake with a family of his own is enough for Schwartz to take the risk of being photographed with a tutu, tights, Hawaiian shirt and leg warmers. He remembers as a camper being cheered on by a face-painted, tutu-wearing, clipboard-carrying psychopath during the Tug of War in 2017. “If doing that gets my name up in the rafters for eternity, then I don’t care what my school friends say. Even if I lose, the other team is led by a different Jake Schwartz and some other Jake Schwartz was a winning leader five out of the past seven summers, so I can tell my kids that name up on the banner is mine,” Schwartz rationalized.