Lake Huron, PA (August 9, 2022) – The phones at Camp Huron Lake have been ringing off the hook for the past two days of Color War following Director Marty Feldstein’s decision to livestream events to make up for cancelling this summer’s Visiting Day. Office staff has been inundated with calls, emails, and texts from psychotic parents who truly believe their children’s performances in the four-day event actually mean something outside the gates of the camp.
The office administration typically deals with dozens of calls daily from parents complaining about not enough pictures, too many pictures, or placement of a child in a picture but the livestream has brought a level of parenting hysteria not seen since 2012 when the camp announced it would become “peanut aware” to accommodate campers with nut allergies meaning campers would not be able to enjoy a Snickers bar for seven full weeks. The messages have ranged from a complaint about the referee in the Soph Girls ‘A’ kickball game to a father furious that his son was batting seventh in the Inter Boys ‘B’ baseball game despite the fact that he spends close to $500 a week on batting lessons and another $100 on batting gloves and eye black to a mother calling to tell her daughter’s eighteen year-old counselor and Junior Girl Camper Captain Emmie Nusbaum they’re disgraces for putting her daughter in the ‘C’ Newcomb game because she knows her daughter is really good at catching.
While a decent portion of parents are simply happy to watch their children high-five their friends on the other team, based on some of the voice mails Feldstein has received, some have gone a bit overboard critiquing the streamed events.
“Hey, Feldstein. Listen up and listen good. The refs in my daughter’s basketball game yesterday called three bullshit fouls on her and her moronic Camp America coach barely played her the fourth quarter when they were leading 24-2. I pay a ton of money for her to play on Shooting Starz’s Silver Elite team. That’s only three levels away from their top team!” threatened pseudo tough guy Sheldon Finkelstein. “And if my wife sees one more girl in a tankini instead of a one-piece bathing suit, she’s going to lose it, Feldstein! Also, what time is the drop off on Saturday? Really excited to see the kids.”
Several hawk-eyed parents also noticed a man they had not seen in any previous pictures walking maskless by the upper camp swim meet. This prompted dozens of calls to inquire who he was, what his vaccination status is currently, and if he breathed near any of their campers.
“I really wish Marty wouldn’t have streamed my basketball game yesterday,” remarked ten year-old Jake Weisenberg. “I love playing hoops without my father screaming at me and the refs like a lunatic on the sidelines so him not being there is so much more fun for me. But I missed two free throws so thanks to Marty, I’m going be getting shit from him the second I get off the bus on Saturday.”