Lake Huron, PA (June 20, 2023) – Just when parents thought they had seen it all when it comes to sleepaway camp tuition and fees, Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein, inspired by a recent solo vacation to Hedonism III aboard Spirit Airlines, has truly gone above and beyond to screw them out of more of their hard-earned money. Feldstein is already famously-known throughout the camping world as the genius who implemented the decision to charge Counselors in Training (CIT’s) full tuition despite providing absolutely no additional programming for the division while forcing them to work upwards of ten hours a day.
The first part of Feldstein’s latest cash grab is charging families $250 for each trunk weighing greater than fifty pounds. For the most part, the camp has been using the same mandatory packing list for the past forty summers and Feldstein is doing his best to strictly enforce that families pack by the letter of the law. Among the items required are sixteen D batteries for “boomboxes”, a 10×10 canvas tarp, and a recent addition of two cases of Kirkland brand water making it nearly impossible for any family to be able to come in under the limit.
“Shit. I know Marty is going through a messy divorce but come on. I have to pay an extra thousand bucks on top of the shipping charge he already smacks us with for my two kids,” complained Eric Jacobson, parent of Wintyr and Autymn. “And g-d knows that every mom prints out that fuckin’ list and buys every damn item on it no matter what. Last summer she sent my eight year-old son up with tampons ‘just in case he needed them for something other than menstruation’”.
Another of Feldstein’s clever ways of generating more revenue is to charge each camper a bunk fee and an additional bed fee. The $13,000 tuition only guarantees a spot for the summer. It does not guarantee bunk placement or bed placement within the bunk. According to the new fee guidelines, the bunk placement fee will ensure that the camper will be in the appropriate-age bunk while the bed fee is more of a rental agreement for the seven-week session. Additionally, campers whose parents have more disposable income can opt to pay the bed placement fee which then entitles the camper to sleep next to the person of his/her/their choosing assuming the other party has also paid the bed placement fee. Next summer, he’s looking into providing extra wide beds in a roomier area of the bunk for the less budget-conscious camper.
But Feldstein’s coup de grace is offering an unprecedented multi-tiered food plan with clever names to mask the fact that he is charging extra for the campers to actually eat anything more than generic, government surplus fare. The Deluxe package includes basic meals and one trip per week to the canteen while the Deluxe Plus upgrade includes a lunch and dinner salad bar as well as dessert after lunch. The real value Feldstein has been pushing on parents is the “Chazir” or “Chaza” premium upgrade which includes desserts after breakfast and dinner, kosher-style buffet at all meals, omelet station access, and all you can eat at the canteen from 9:30 to 9:45 every evening.
When pressed to respond to the reason behind the erroneous new fees which add an extra $5,000 to $10,000 per child, Feldstein simply replied, “Covid-19.”
The 8 year old boy bringing tampons was comic genius.