Merrick, NY (June 14, 2023) – Despite the fact that his mother still has to pack his camp trunks, rising college junior Ethan Schmidler cannot wait until he returns to Camp Huron Lake as a counselor, eager to impart his twenty years of earthly knowledge to the next generation of overprivileged young children who will roam the pastoral camp grounds in a few short weeks. Schmidler is looking to pass on important life lessons that he has picked up from his own former counselors as well as the basic motivational techniques he learned while taking Public Speaking 235 at Indiana University this past spring semester.
While his mother makes semi-daily trips to Target and CVS to pick up last-minute essentials, Schmidler has spent countless hours in his unmade bed playing video games and watching YouTube videos claiming to be doing research on the latest trends among the 10-12 year old male demographic. “I want to understand what makes these kids tick so I can relate to them in a more positive way. It’s only a seven week summer so every second needs to count. Their parents pay a lot of money for this, so the least I can do is bark orders at them from my bed during clean-up hour, assuming I’m not watching some stepmom/stepson action on my phone,” noted Schmidler.
The general studies major with a 2.2 GPA is really looking forward to acting in a supervisory capacity this summer and has prepared by continually reminding his mother to put away his clothes that the cleaning lady laundered over the course of two visits in late April and early May. In addition, Schmidler has been firm but not bossy when directing his father to fill up the car his parents bought for him for his seventeenth birthday. It’s privilege like this that the young man is looking to pass on to future generations.
Schmidler’s parents, Jen and Eli, are excited to see their son take on some more responsibility this summer, though they’re uncertain what type of life lessons Ethan is actually qualified to pass on to his campers outside of avoiding hard work or how to waste a full day on TikTok. “We’re not quite sure Ethan knows how to use a broom or what exactly a broom is so it may be a challenge for him to show a ten year-old the proper technique to sweep out the front room of a bunk. And there’s a pretty strong chance he’s never so much as folded a pair of shorts or a towel so laundry day will also be a challenge,” mentioned his father, “To be honest, we’re hoping his campers can actually teach him a few things so he’ll be better prepared going into his junior year of college. I can’t keep flying our housekeeper out to Indiana ever other week to clean his dorm room and do his laundry.”
During counselor orientation, camp director Marty Feldstein is reportedly going to be working one on one with Schmidler to teach him how to properly make a bed, show him how to correctly bus a dining hall table, and most importantly, identify any attractive single mothers at drop off so Marty can start cyberstalking them so he has an ice breaker on Visiting Day.