Lake Huron, PA (August 6, 2020) – Despite being the only camper at Camp Huron Lake this summer, Senior Boy Jake Horowitz was not selected as Camper Captain for this summer’s Color War, the Blue Oysters vs. the White Snakes. Seemingly a “can’t miss” pick, Horowitz was truly flabbergasted not to see his name as one of the captains after receiving his split sheet from special Breakout guest Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Thinking it was a typographical error by office secretary Louise Goldenblatt, Horowitz was despondent as he searched for Director Marty Feldstein who was in his office being yelled at over the phone by the camper’s mother, Rachel Horowitz. Mrs. Horowitz had just sent Jake a monogrammed clipboard to proudly walk around camp with to make sure everyone knew what a big shot her son is.
When pressed for an explanation, Jake’s counselor, Jake Rabinowitz, tried to make sense of the selection process. “I, along with my co-counselor and group leader, (Jake) Feinstein, sat down to discuss who should be Camper Captain and, to be totally honest, for the life of us, we couldn’t remember the kid’s name. That was the first sign that he didn’t stand out,” Rabinowitz remarked. “Marty gives us a sheet with the characteristics we should look for in a Camper Captain and that kid that’s slept in the bed next to me for the past month and a half really had none of them.”
Being named Camper Captain (which for decades camp scholars and historians have debated whether it is a loftier honor than being awarded Camper of the Year) was one of Horowitz’s main goals this summer since the past four summers have only yielded four mandatory summer-end awards given to each camper in the division. After receiving the Achievement Award last August, a generic honor typically given to a camper that has no real talent or interests, Horowitz worked tirelessly over the winter to improve in all the areas his counselors would evaluate him on to determine whether he was “CC-Worthy”.
After getting berated by Horowitz’s mother, Feldstein and the camp’s senior administration decided that Jake would be named Junior Assistant Camper Captain which would carry absolutely no authority, line up decision-making, or clipboard-carrying responsibilities and serve more as a ceremonial title/consolation prize.
Feldstein did, however, agree to make Horowitz a fully-fledged Camper Captain if his surgically-enhanced, 35 year-old aerobics instructor step-mother agrees to come up to partake in the always popular Director/Step-Mom Three-Legged Swimsuit Race.