Lake Huron, PA (August 8, 2023) – Junior boy Kayde Kaplan, 10, has been stripped of his position as Camper Captain of the Blue Menthols due to a failed drug test administered after a tumultuous day of intense Camp Huron Lake Color War competition. Kaplan had been a model camper and role model to bunkmates up until a member of the White Fish noticed Kaplan’s green urine in an unflushed bunk toilet. The disgraced leader claimed to have eaten several spears of asparagus and a can of spinach but both foods have been unavailable at camp all summer long.
Kaplan’s behavior had been erratic from the second he grabbed a hold of the split sheets and saw his name in bold at the top of one side of the thirty-six boy Junior roster. After digesting who would be on his team, Kaplan went into to overdrive assembling the best lineups for each athletic competition while taking advice from consigliere Noam Glickman who helped assign campers to the A and B teams.
Counselors noticed something awry when then Menthol team arrived at the soccer field with exactly eleven players instead of the eighteen that were assigned to his team. “We finally found the missing seven kids. One was sent to work on the team banner,” noted Bunk 11 counselor Jake Rabinowitz, 19, “The other six were watching cartoons in the infirmary at the insistence of Kaplan who claimed they looked sick and said it would be wise to spend the morning in the infirmary strictly for ‘precautionary reasons’. Those six also happen to be the six worst soccer players on the Menthol team.”
Already treading on thin ice, Kaplan made sure to make his mark at the afternoon Junior Boy swim meet. In the last twenty meters of an easy 100 meter sidestroke win, Kaplan gave the middle finger to his opponents while twirling around from left to right taunting and teasing the White Fish team much to his own team’s delight. Waterfront director Josh Stonestein was not pleased with Kaplan’s sophomoric antics throughout the meet.
“First, he gave the finger to the other team which is enough to dock him for the rest of the day. Then when his team is about to lose the medley relay he jumps on top of Goldstein and smacks him in the head with his Camper Captain clipboard,” Stonestein explained while adjusting the volume on his megaphone, “This isn’t who he is. Maybe he missed his medicine this morning.”
Upon returning to the bunk following a much-needed lukewarm carton of whole milk and a sprinkle cookie on the blistering 95 degree day, Rabinowitz noticed the smoking gun in the form of a nearly empty bottle of Flintstones Gummies Vitamins, a dining hall spoon, a lighter and a hypodermic needle sticking out from under Kaplan’s pillow. When confronted about impending drug suspension, Kaplan asked to address the entire Junior Boy division.
“I’ve let you down, I’ve let my family down, and most importantly I’ve let down those counselors who fought for me to get this position. I also want to personally apologize to my mother who probably posted dozens of pics of me on social media professing her love and admiration for what a wonderful kid I am, and now she won’t be able to go to Trader Joe’s without being pointed at in disgrace,” a tearful Kaplan orated as he tried to hide the needle marks from his left arm while removing his blue tutu, “Mainlining liquified Freds and Barneys really did a number on me. So Just say no. I beg of you…Just say no to drugs.”
In place of the scumbag drug cheat, the division leader rewarded slightly above average camper Mytchyll Weinstein with the coveted posted since he legally could not appoint any of the six Campers of the Week, the camper captains for first half Olympics, or Jeremy Goldengold who is pretty much a lock for Camper of the Year.
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