Huron Lake, PA (July 19, 2016) – Last Saturday, Linda Fertig, 39, of Merrick, LI earned a spot on the US Women’s 4×400 relay Olympic team by posting a blistering time of 48.03 seconds sprinting from the front gate of Camp Huron Lake to Bunk 35 to see her son, Jake. In addition to her spot on the relay team, Fertig also qualified to serve as the first alternate in the 400 meter individual event should another runner be unable to compete.
At the sound of Camp Director Marty Feldstein’s “Visiting Day 2016 has begun!!” decree signaling the gates to open, Fertig, an avid Roslyn Soul Cyclist, sprinted the nearly quarter mile carrying unlicensed Under Armor bunk shirts and seven pounds of nut-free candy in her left hand along with her son’s end of summer banquet outfit over her right shoulder. US Track officials typically use the Olympic Trials as to determine the qualifiers, but an exception was made when Camp Huron Lake track specialist Nigel Smith submitted Fertig’s world-class time.
“We typically don’t allow unsanctioned times for qualifications but when we heard that Fertig posted that time running uphill in her Flit-Flops® while carrying all that junk for her kid, we knew we had to get her on board,” commented an anonymous US Track & Field official. “I know the IOC typically won’t allow a runner’s child to be at the finish line, but if we petition for her son, Jake to be there then tell Fertig that he has a small bumpy rash on the back of his knee and is really itchy, we believe that Fertig could break the world record in her attempt to get to him as quick as humanly possible.”
What has shocked most who follow the world of Track & Field is Fertig’s relative inexperience. Fertig, whose menstrual cycle unbelievably coincided exactly with her gym class schedule each day during her sophomore through senior years at JFK High School, was never part of a sports team her entire childhood. As a camper at Huron Lake in the 1990’s, Fertig claimed to be “pre-pregnant” several summers to avoid taking the deep water float test despite the fact that she was still years from any sexual activity.
As excited as Fertig is about the prospect of representing both her country and psychotic Jewish mothers everywhere, she is unsure about actually making it to the Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. “I don’t know if I’ll make it to Rio this summer. My family is scheduled to go to the Zikawitz Bar Mitzvah the same weekend as the track meet.”