Huron Lake, Pa (June 29) – A video has surfaced on the Camp Huron Lake website showing hundreds of exhausted, road-weary children getting off the bus to their new home away from home for the next seven weeks. After a nearly three hour ride from the Livingston Mall, the campers were less excited to be at camp and more relieved to just be off that fucking bus.
After teary goodbyes and long, warm embraces with their parents, the campers are herded onto the busses by a designated high-ranking camp employee. The parents, most of whom are wearing tear-hiding sunglasses, then run around the busses to see where their child is sitting, who the child is sitting with, and whether the child looks happy all through a heavily-darkened bus window which makes it near impossible to tell if their child is even on the bus. They proceed to yell to non-descript silhouettes on the bus in hopes they’ll be able to read their child’s lips through the tinted glass of the bus as well as their designer shaded. One mother was even seen yelling bathroom instructions to her 15 year-old son on the bus “IF YOU HAVE TO GO NUMBER ONE, GO ON THE BUS. FOR A NUMBER TWO, WAIT TIL YOU GET TO YOUR BUNK!!”
“I remember last year, at least five other mothers came over to me to let me know their kid was sitting next to my Jakey. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that Jakey was behind a van vomiting from eating too much sesame chicken at his favorite Chinese restaurant from the night before,” said Julie Herstein of Livingston. “If it makes them feel better, who am I to say anything?”
Many of the campers would prefer to be dropped off at the camp by their parents, instead of taking a long bus ride filled with other screaming children, the scent of spoiled turkey sandwiches left over from the school year, and intense heat from the broken air conditioning. “I’ve spent the last ten months taking a bus to and from school and my parents put me on another G-d damn bus the first day of my vacation? At the mall no less!” complained a clearly frustrated junior camper, Melissa Goldstein, 8 of West Orange, NJ.
Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein works with his coach bus liaison from Leprechaun Lines to ensure that the air conditioning “malfunctions” during the ride so the kids are even more relieved to get off the bus. “I want the kids who are nervous about coming to be so excited just to get off the bus so I make sure it’s hot as blue blazes then I have the bus counselors confiscate all the kids’ lunches claiming that there are nut products in their sandwiches. When they’re about to get off the bus, I get a British guy from Camp America to whisper to each kid to “put a bloody smile on your fooking face or else it’s going to be a long fooking summer, lad”. At camp they’re welcomed with open arms and several industrial-sized fans along with a buffet-style luncheon. It’s an unwritten rule among all the camp directors. Who wouldn’t be happy about being there?”
“Marty pulls the same shit every year,” CIT Jake Levine, 16, of Marlboro, NJ complained. Levine, who departs from the local high school, added, “I usually stuff my face before I get on the bus and wear a tank top and a frozen headband to deal with the conditions Marty creates for us. But he does it with love so I can’t get made at that crazy bastard.”