Huron Lake, Pa (July 3) – After an unbelievably confusing first two days of camp in the Junior Boys division, a competition to determine which Camp Huron Lake Junior Boy camper would claim the nickname “Goldie” for the summer of 2014 finished late yesterday afternoon with Jake Goldenberg of Merrick, NY earning the right to the coveted nickname. Because of the unbelievably high demand for the name in the sixty boy junior division, camp director Marty Feldstein was forced to step in to create a two day competition to determine who gets the right to be called “Goldie” over the next seven plus weeks.
The participants included Jake Goldberg of Syosset, Jake Goldstein of Scarsdale, Jake Golden of Silver Spring, Jake Gold of Livingston, Jake Goldfarb of New York City, Jake Goldwyn of New City, Jake Goldner of Marlboro and Zach Lipschitz, the only boy in the division with blonde hair, of Cherry Hill. The campers competed in a series of athletic and intellectual events over two days used to test their worthiness of being “Goldie” for the summer.
In the first competition of Day One, the boys were given pick axes and asked to dig up a fenced in portion of the ground near the dining hall where Feldstein buried three replica gold nuggets. After two hours of intense digging, Jake Goldstein found the first one, followed Gold, then Goldenberg. Shortly after the competition, Feldstein, an opportunist always looking to cut costs, planted a vegetable garden where the boys had done their digging. “So pretty much Marty staged this event so he wouldn’t have to pay a landscaper. He’s a cheap bastard, but I’ll take the win,” an exhausted and sweaty Goldstein remarked.
Following the physically strenuous first leg of the competition, the boys settled in for a test in which they were asked to pick who among five female CITs was posing as a gold digger. The series of questions from the gold digging thespian included “Where are you from? What do you do for a living? What kind of car do you drive? How big is your apartment/house/summer home? and What college/grad school/law school did you attend?” Jake Goldfarb, 9, whose father Mel, 73, a retired neurosurgeon, and mother, Gynnyfer, 31, are both alumni of Huron Lake, easily won the event with little competition from the other nine and ten year-olds.
Day Two started with an exciting down-to-the-wire eating contest at breakfast. Each boy was presented with ten bowls of Golden Grahams to consume in the quickest time. Goldenberg, strictly forbidden from eating sugar cereals at home, ravenously scarfed down all ten bowls in 24 minutes. As his eyes bulged from his head, he jumped up on the dining hall table, screamed “Oh, those Golden Grahams, oh, those Golden Grahams!!,” proceeded to let out a dining room-vibrating belch then vomited on the adjacent senior girl’s table and was sent to the infirmary for observation.
After allowing Goldenberg to recover, the boys were presented with several gold rope necklaces. The boys were required to determine whether the piece of jewelry was A. 18k, B. 14k, or C. gold-plated. Additionally, they had to guess the weight of each piece to the nearest gram, as well as when the rope necklace went out of style to the nearest year. Zach Lipschitz was the winner but was disqualified from the event when one of the other boys found a jewelry loop in his cubby after the competition. Goldwyn, the runner up, was then awarded first place.
At the end of two days of events, Goldenberg and Goldstein were tied atop the leaderboard so the two boys were forced to participate in a sudden death, tie-breaker in front of the entire division. “Boys,” Marty exclaimed, “the camper who can dig for gold and produce the biggest booger will earn the right to be called “Goldie” for the summer! Let the digging begin!!!”
Goldstein immediately jammed his right pointer finger up his left nostril, closed his eyes, and produced a 3.4 milligram booger to the delight of his fellow campers. With a cocky laugh, Goldenberg, who suffers from allergies to dust and cut grass, calmly strode to the middle of the division meeting area. Before starting to pick he addressed his campmates. “I want to thank the groundskeeper of this fine establishment for cutting the lawn in front of our bunk today and the boys’ side porter for getting drunk with some townies last night and oversleeping his mopping shift this morning. The dust is plentiful, my eyes are red and my nose is stuffed.” He then drew his left middle finger for maximum reach and, with the aid of his thumb, pulled out one of the largest boogers ever seen in the Huron Lake vicinity. “Don’t bother to weigh it,” Goldstein valiantly conceded, “You’re the Goldie, Goldenberg.”
Next week Jake Silverberg and Jake Silverstein will battle it out for the right to be called “Silvie”.