Lake Huron, PA (July 12, 2022) – Although Week 3 of the summer is well underway, Camp Huron Lake Junior Boy Jayque Bergerberger reportedly has yet to open up any of his most essential toiletries including his dental hygiene and bathing products. Bunkmates and counselors are concerned for Bergerberger’s well-being despite the ten year-old boy having the time of his life in his first summer at the cushy oasis for overprivileged youths.
Jayque’s mother, Gigi, packed him with an abundance of personal care products including a value pack of ten toothbrushes, five tubes of toothpaste from Costco, a three-pack of bottles of 3-in-1 shampoo, a case of sunscreen, and several deodorants even though the young boy is probably three to four years away from hitting puberty. While his bunkmates have taken advantage of his mother’s over obsessive packing by using some of the excess supply, Jayque not only hasn’t opened any of his personal hygiene items, his counselors don’t believe he has any idea where the shower house is located.
“He’s a good kid, he really is. My co-counselor and I have had several discussions with Jayque to relay the importance of bathing on a regular basis and keeping your teeth strong and healthy but we’re just not getting through to him,” Junior Boys counselor Jon Weinberg commented with clear frustration. “He reads a ton of Archie comics every night which clearly means he’s really smart. I just don’t get it.”
As of press time, Bergerberger has already lost three teeth, two possibly permanent ones, and his bunkmates have convinced him that the Tooth Fairy won’t be visiting because his teeth are too rancid for him or her to put in their tooth castle. In addition, the boys have attempted to carry Jayque into the shower house to scrub him down but were docked for a week’s worth of Free Play for bullying the stinky, halitosis-ridden Westchester native. His bunkmates have become so repulsed by Jayque’s overall stench that they’ve been voluntarily using some of the tens of thousands leftover Covid masks to escape his odor.
Weinberg is waiting until Visiting Day, assuming it doesn’t get canceled at the last minute, to discuss his concerns with Jayque’s parents. “Yesterday we were walking to the health center to have him checked out and as we’re walking, a tooth just falls out and he spits it into the grass like it was an old piece of gum.”
With the camp carnival coming up in a few days, Director Marty Feldstein, has decided that he will fill the Dunk Tank with soapy water and have Bergerberger be the volunteer sitting on the collapsible seat from 1-2pm then 3-4. Additionally, Feldstein is hiring Hall of Fame flamethrower Nolan Ryan to ensure that the target is hit several times guaranteeing the boy gets a good washing.