Lake Huron, PA (July 15, 2022) – Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein sent an email out to the parents of all but two campers informing them that in person Visiting Day has unfortunately been cancelled for the second consecutive summer. Although Feldstein blamed the cancellation on the possible transmission of Covid from outside parties to the campers and staff, the real reason is simply that Feldstein does not want to waste a full day fielding complaints from an unbelievably annoying group of parents. The camp will instead offer a five minute FaceTime session for those campers who wish to see their parents. For the families of those other two campers, Visiting Day will go on as scheduled.
Since the end of last summer, Feldstein and his staff had been using a meticulously organized spreadsheet to keep track of which parents have called, texted, or emailed with an absurdly ridiculous question or comment. Before the campers even arrived, Feldstein claims that a little over half of the parents had already been crossed off the in-person Visiting Day list. It only took around two weeks for the other half of the parent group to also be eliminated from the list.
“I have one mother who called to see if she could send up sushi so she and her daughter can eat together during their FaceTime session,” noted Feldstein. “The father then calls ten minutes later and asks if he can be reimbursed for the meal since he was banking on eating enough for lunch and dinner at camp that day. Said if we didn’t, he at the very least wanted a refund for the missed meal.”
By all but eliminating Visiting Day, Feldstein estimates that he will save several thousand dollars by not having to supply the unwashed hungry masses with Grade D hamburgers, Army surplus hot dogs, Great Value chips and various discontinued flavors of Shasta soda. He has already earmarked the savings for an upgrade to the air conditioning throughout in his 2,500 square foot director’s cabin.
One person Feldstein is praying shows up is his favorite parent Destinee Horowitz who has not only refrained from contacting the camp, but has absolutely no idea her step-son Jake is even at camp this summer. Once again, Feldstein will make sure every wish and desire of the 36 year-old bombshell is taken care of as he intends on lifting the ban on alcohol on the premises so he can supply Mrs. Horowitz with an assortment of sommelier-selected bottles of wine for the three hours Horowitz will be strolling the grounds while Jake and his father enjoy quality time on a paddle boat. The other parents who were invited reportedly extended their European vacation under the assumption that their children would rather not see them anyway.
In the event Destinee does show up, as a safety precaution campers will be forced to stay inside their bunks for the entirety of her visit to ensure the unvaccinated, platinum bleached-blonde stunner does not get exposed to any Covid-carrying children.
“There’s an old saying in the camping world. The best parents are the ones who let us do our jobs for the seven weeks they’re entrusting us with their children’s well-being,” Feldstein smartly commented. “The young smokin’ hot trophy wives are really great, too.”