Los Angeles, CA (July 29, 2022) – A massive brawl between some overprivileged Teen Tour tough guys and the equally overprivileged Teen Division from Camp Huron Lake took place yesterday at Universal Studios Hollywood Theme Park. The wild melee started at Krustyland, The Simpsons-themed section of the park, then spilled over into the Shrek 4-D Experience before finally being subdued by local law enforcement. No life-threatening injuries were reported although several teens are being held overnight at Cedars Sinai Medical Center for observation.
The children on the teen tour are enjoying Transcontinental Tours’ six-week West Coast Extravaganza while the campers are on their long-awaited one-week California Getaway, a rite of passage before campers become working staff who still have to pay to attend camp then, ultimately, to paid counselors.
According to sources from Camp Huron Lake involved in the fracas, the bad blood started several days earlier when the two groups were both eating at the UCLA on-campus cafeteria. Apparently, the entire fight was precipitated by a simple misunderstanding of an overheard conversation at the cafeteria’s soft-serve ice cream machine.
“I heard these two girls talking about Jake Horowitz hooking up with Alyssa Schwartz who’s a total bus slut. I thought they were talking about our Jake Horowitz and our Alyssa Schwartz but I think they have their own Jake and Alyssa. They were saying that Jake is such a loser but our Jake used to be a loser and now he’s so hot and our Alyssa is from Short Hills and theirs, I think, is from Millburn and they go to the same high school so I don’t know who the hell is who,” commented the source who was wearing a brand new UCLA sweatshirt despite the fact that she has less than a one percent chance of attending her dream school, “I think the two Jakes know each other from BBYO and play for PayMoney Hoopz U17 C team. We also have a Jake Schwartz and an Alyssa Horowitz and they have a Jay Schwartz and Melissa Horovitz. It’s all really confusing to be honest.”
After missing one another as the groups toured Rodeo Drive and Disneyland on opposite days, tensions boiled over when the two groups were face to face at Universal Studios. One of the Schwartz girls called a girl wearing a Horowitz Huron Lake basketball jersey “Poconos camp trash” which sent the Horowitzes into a frenzy leading to fists being thrown among the raucous crowd. When the fighting finally ceased, counselors from the camp and teen tour were able to broker a truce while enjoying a $12 sodas and $32 hamburgers at Krusty Burger.
Despite being sucker-punched in the face by the other Alyssa Schwartz, Schwartz could hardly contain her smile, blood pouring from her nose as she stepped into the ambulance. “I feel like the luckiest sixteen year-old on earth. Not only am I going to finally get my deviated septum fixed but to get it done in LA? My friends at home are going to be so jealous,” Schwartz remarked while nearly choking on the blood as it entered her mouth. “The best part is that it’s going to be covered by insurance. My dad is going to be sooooo proud of me!”