Lake Huron, PA (July 16, 2021) – The sleepaway camp world has been sent into a wild frenzy as pharmaceutical behemoth Johnson & Johnson has recalled five of its most popular Neutrogena and Aveeno spray sunscreens after detecting benzene, a chemical that “could potentially cause cancer depending on the level and extent of exposure.” Although the recall was done for precautionary reasons, Camp Huron Lake, a co-ed sleepaway camp in Pennsylvania’s Pocono region has already received hundreds of frantic calls from concerned parents.
Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein and his office staff were able to talk most parents off the proverbial ledge but still, some are in panic mode. “I’ve got one mother who’s insisting her son wear long sleeves, pants, and a novelty sombrero even though it’s 95 degrees to make sure the sun’s UV rays don’t harm him. Another one who’s completely out of her mind, insists we power wash her son to make sure there are no traces of benzene on his skin,” Marty mentioned as he directed his head counselors to sweep the bunks to remove any of the recalled bottles and replace them with other, less cancer-causing substitutes.
While some parents are coming to the camp to pull their children out of the Covid-free bubble, others are taking a more rational approach by scheduling out-of-network visits to local oncologists and dermatologists for the weekend their children arrive home. Several medical groups, including Dr. Rajaran Gupta’s office, one of the top oncology practices on Long Island, has fielded more calls today than they get in most months. “There’s now a wait list to see me on the weekend of August 14-15. Maybe now I’ll be able to finally afford a Telsa and a Hamptons house like the Lice Lady.”
Never one to miss out on a two for one opportunity, Feldstein flew in celebrity dermatologists and multi-level marketing gurus Dr. Katie Rodan and Dr. Kathy Fields to not only examine the children for any skin abnormalities caused by excessive use of benzene but more importantly, break out the first session’s Color War. Drs. Rodan + Fields tossed hundreds of split sheets with sample sizes of skin-damage reversing lotion attached into the awaiting arms of excited campers to kick off the intra-camp competition.
“All things considered, it could’ve been a lot worse,” mentioned Feldstein, “If you would have told me I’d turn a potential disaster into a cost-effective breakout, I was going to strip three layers of skin off a 13 year-old boy with an industrial power washer, and that by 10 o’clock all of Boys Side would be eerily silent outside of a few faint sighs of relief as the kids enjoy their new lotion, I’d say ‘that’s a helluva day.’”
As many parents count down the days until their children receive a new shipment of sunblock, a few of their peers were never really worried about the recall. “I told ya generic is the way to go,” noted Melissa Goldsilver of Oceanside, mother of two Huron Lake campers, when asked by phone about the recall, “It’s way cheapa and the kids aren’t going to get canca.”