Lake Huron, PA (July 20, 2021) – Contrary to popular belief, the actual reason behind the latest sleepaway camp Visiting Day cancellations had very little to do with the Covid pandemic and several small outbreaks across various camps. According to a member of the Camp Huron Lake administration who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the real cause was that campers simply did not want nor feel the need to see their parents.
“I just spent a year and a f’n half with my parents, non-stop. You’re going to tell me that in three weeks I’m going to miss them enough to spend a half a day with them? Yeah, right! I’ll see you in a month.” exclaimed Bunk 4’s seven year-old Soph girl Rayne Rosenberg.
After conducting an informal survey among the campers, Director Marty Feldstein concluded that campers were also simply embarrassed and humiliated after learning of the many ridiculously absurd calls and requests parents were making to the camp staff on a nearly hourly basis. Additionally, Feldstein learned that the only reason campers would actually want their parents to come visit was to bring their iPhones so they could check on what they have missed at home since they have been at camp. A whopping 95% of the pollees said if their parents were not planning on bringing their phones, “don’t bother coming.”
Inter boy camper Ryan Rabinowitz was moritified after learning his mother called to complain about the canteen food. “I heard my mom phoned the office to complain that the frozen Charleston Chews were not, in fact, frozen enough to be refreshing but too frozen that they may cause dental damage. A, she doesn’t even let me eat Charleston Chews because I have braces and she’s let the canteen staff know in written and oral form not to serve me one and B, how the hell does she know this?”
Many camps have reported that meaningless, moronic calls from parents are up almost 600% from 2019. From a mother freaking out about a picture showing a camper wearing a night outfit during the day and vice versa to requesting that the counselor provide a “safety wipe” after a bowel movement for a nine year-old camper to ensure “he got it all”, it seems as if the last sixteen months of quarantines and social restrictions have made parents dumber, more out of touch, or both.
Feldstein has heard complaints from campers immediately after Visiting Day regarding their parents’ behavior. In the summer of 2019 a Junior girl came crying to his office to voice just how disgraceful it was to watch her middle-aged mother sprinting in flip-flop heels wheeling a thirty pound monstrosity of chocolate and candy in a Radio Flyer wagon as makeup and bronzer dripped off her face and arms. Another complained to “Uncle Marty” that her mother reprimanded her group leader for putting her on the red Olympic team because “everyone knows her daughter’s blue-green eyes are more pronounced in pictures when she is wearing any shade of blue, except navy”.
Although he feels for the parents, as far a Feldstein is concerned not hosting Visiting Day is a win-win for the camp. “I was planning on cancelling Visiting Day before the pandemic so this kinda worked out perfectly. Plus, I’m saving a ton of money since I don’t have to feed a thousand people, their cars aren’t going to ruin Fields 4, 6, and 7, and I’m not going to have to spend most of the day nodding and pretending like I actually give a crap about all their complaining.”