Huron Lake, PA (May 30, 2017) – After fielding hundreds of calls and complaints about the quality of their children’s camp experiences, Camp Huron Lake Director, Marty Feldstein has vowed to concerned parents that the summer of 2017 will indeed be the Jappiest in the seventy-four year history of the camp. Not only is Feldstein promising a significantly more indulged seven weeks than last year, he is offering a money back guarantee to any family who believes their child(ren) have not received the Jappiest camping experience of their lives.
Although Feldstein installed air conditioning in all the bunks in 2011, parents were not satisfied with the over all look of the units, several mentioning the units made the bunks seem “rustic and dated”. Feldstein and his team of designers have been working around the clock to add Swarovski crystals to all of the units’ knobs and vents to give the units a more natural and blended look. Additionally, the units will be painted in a faux-mahogany herringbone pattern to complement the newly installed Brazilian walnut flooring.
Feldstein has added a bevy of specialists to the camp staff in order to augment his newly created schedule of activities and classes designed to bring out the inner prince or princess in each and every child. From half-season classes like “Tanks 101: How to Properly Wear Your Tank-Top Like Everyone Else” to “Wiping Your Own Tuchas: That’s What Moms Are For”, campers will experience a level of Jappiness never seen before in the Pocono region. For the upper campers, many will enjoy the teachings of college advisor Jenny Liebovitz’s lecture series entitled “How to Get into University of Wisconsin Without Really Trying” and “Donating a Wing: The Foolproof Guarantee for Syracuse”.
“I’m trying to stay competitive with the other camps but, damn, it’s not easy,” lamented Feldstein, 62, wearing his authentic Junk Food Grateful Dead t-shirt. “I’m doing all I can to keep kids here but it’s not easy these days” as he walked stiff-legged in his skinny jeans and Uggs toward the newly refurbished dining room. “I really hope the kids like the personal menu service this summer and the chandeliers highlighting the new granite table tops should add some much needed creature comforts of home to their meals. Additionally all food in camp will be nut-, gluten-, wheat-, dairy-, meat-, sugar-, and carbohydrate-free to accommodate even the most extreme dietary restrictions.
Lastly, for the end of the year banquet all male campers will be required to wear either a Vineyard Vines or Under Armor collared shirt and female campers will need to be outfitted in a black cocktail dress with a minimum of fifteen inches above the knee along with any pair of their mother’s poorly-fitting high heels.
After pouring hundreds of thousands of dollars into the camp this off-season to make the camp more luxurious, Feldstein was recently informed by the camp’s Mumbai, India-based winter answering service that the parents actually want a “happier” summer, not a “Jappier” one for their children.
“Shoot…I’ll just let them bring their phones and install high-speed wifi all over camp. They’ll have the best summer of their lives without ever leaving their bunks!” exclaimed Feldstein.
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