Summer Long Ass-Kissing Leads to Camper Captain Nod

Lake Huron, PA (August 9, 2024) – If brown-nosing was an Olympic event this summer, Camp Huron Lake Super Senior boy Bynjymyn Liebowitz would easily be standing atop the podium with a gold medal draped over his neck.  He performed an absolute master class in sucking up to counselors, group leaders, and administrators for the sole reason of grabbing one of two coveted Color War Camper Captain divisional positions.

One of the most difficult dances to perform at camp is tiptoeing the fine line between becoming a Camper Captain and being named Camper of the Year.  To underscore the difficulty of this happening, the last time anyone was bestowed both honors was thirty-two years ago in 1992 at Camp Kinder Ring when Workgroup boy Andy Kaplan pulled off the rare double but only because most of his bunkmates were sent home for alcohol consumption. 

From the first day of camp where Liebowitz gave up his prime bed position in the bunk to a first year camper to ensuring any drunk counselor returning from a night out was given three Advil and a bottle of water before going to bed, the ass-kissing fourteen year-old’s performance was the equivalent of watching Picasso paint or Beethoven tickle the ivories.  Liebowitz, detested by his bunkmates and the entire division, even went as far as volunteering to clean the bathroom for the week leading up to Color War breakout. 

“Last summer he felt he got snubbed when he didn’t get any recognition other than the obligatory year-end divisional award where everyone has to get some sort of honor.  I think he got Best Bedding or something stupid, so he came in here with a single-minded focus to get that Camper Captain spot, he accomplished his goal and no matter how much everyone hates him now, I’ve got to give him his props for that,” commented ex-best friend N8 Goldenberger.   

Camp Director Marty Feldstein was very impressed with Liebowitz’s initiative this summer as the young suck-up requested a new elective be created called “Wash Marty’s Car and Clean His Bungalow” which he approved during the first week of camp.  Although only Liebowitz was the only one who signed up for this elective the entire summer, it gave him nearly an hour a day to really jam his nose right up Feldstein’s ass for the sake of being handed the coveted clipboard and power over half of his division-mates.

Unfortunately for Liebowitz, while decorating his clipboard in a dazzling array of sequins and glitter, he accidently inhaled an overabundance of rubber cement fumes along with some glitter and has missed the first three days of Color War while in the infirmary as his lung function and breathing slowly returns to normal.  The bootlicking flunky is expected to return for tomorrow night’s Sing.