Color War Alma Mater Riddled with Inaccuracies, Falsehoods, Lies

Lake Huron, PA (August 13, 2024) – The Alma Mater for the White Lightning team performed at Camp Huron Lake’s Color War Sing was a train wreck from the second Junior Boy Stryker Rabinowitz walked in front of the judges to the moment it thankfully ended six minutes later.  The performance included both a completely ridiculous short skit and original yet inaccurate lyrics sung to the music of a once popular song professing campers’ love for their home away from home.

The ten year-old Rabinowitz and his bunkmate, first year camper Jaesyn Goldstein, very poorly and inaccurately depicted a scene from the first day of camp when Goldstein doesn’t have any friends yet and is afraid to jump into the lake.  Rabinowitz calmly tells him to jump in then they’ll be swim buddies and he’ll make sure all the other kids greet him with open arms to welcome him to this magical place called Camp Huron Lake. The skit ended with a warm hug between the two and the boys promising to be best friends forever.

“What really happened is that me, Schwartzie and Ruby were screaming at the new kid to stop being a giant p***y and jump in already or else when we got back to the bunk we were going to pull his underwear so high up his ass crack he’d have to go to the hospital to get it removed,” Rabinowitz explained.  “Once he finally jumped in we all swam away so when (head lifeguard Josh) Stonestein called for buddy check, he had to get out. Hopefully that kid won’t come back next summer.”

After the dumpster fire that was the skit, CIT girl S&y Shuster got up in front of the Lightning bleachers and motioned all the campers to get ready to stand in unison as she silently reminded the campers to smile then counted to three using only overexaggerated finger gestures. After some stood on the count of three and others when Shuster motioned her arms upward to the utter disgust of the judges, they began belting out some sappy bullshit about friendship and acceptance to the tune of Lionel Richie’s 1984 smash hit “Hello”. 

Despite the song hitting number one on fifteen international charts and second in West Germany, Shuster butchered the lyrics and tempo so badly that only a few of the judges had any idea what the song actually was.  The campers sang “Boating on the lake, a hundred boys named Jake” then “Fireworks in the night, winning the big game…” all of which were blatant lies. 

“Boating was cut due to a teen girl giving a hand job to her boyfriend on a pedal boat in the middle of the lake, (camp director Marty) Feldstein is too cheap for fireworks, and our camp sucks at all sports so there’s no way we won a game, ever!” explained a divisional group leader who asked to remain anonymous.  “I almost vomited in my mouth when they finished with “But let me start by saying, Camp Huron Lake, I love you.”