Lake Huron, PA (August 6, 2021) – Last night at approximately 11:15pm, Carrie Gruberger laid her eyes on a picture she has been dreaming about for years. Although her son Scott, a 19 year-old wunderkind already working on his PhD, received the Nobel Prize in Physics, the pride she felt for him paled in comparison when she got to Camp Huron Lake’s Girls Side photo 165 and saw her precious tutu-wearing daughter Alyx standing among half of her division holding the most beautifully decorated Camper Captain clipboard the camping world has ever seen.
“I lost my breath when I saw that photo. I honestly can’t think of a time when I’ve been prouder of anyone in my life. She really wanted it bad,” Gruberger bragged, completely dismissing her son Scott who attended the camp for eight years, designed a desalinization plant by the lake to provide clean fresh water for the entire camp at no cost, yet never received an honor as lofty as Camper of the Week, let alone Camper Captain, “Yeah Scott won a Nobel Prize for science-y nerd thing, I forget, but when I posted a pic on Facebook and Insta, I barely got any comments.”
Camp pundits have often squabbled whether Camper Captain is held in higher esteem than the coveted Camper of the Year award but there is no arguing that being named head of half of the division for five days in August comes with a heck of a lot more authority than any other honor the camp has to offer.
The Camper Captain is typically a child who exhibits leadership, sportsmanship, and camp spirit on a daily basis and serves as a role model for bunkmates and younger campers. But sometimes blood-thirsty, power-hungry egomaniacs disguised as 14 year-old girls suppress every one of these ravenous, lust-driven feelings for a solid six weeks to show their counselors and group leaders that they are worthy of the coveted clipboard. Once that clipboard is in the hands of the Camper Captain, every single bunkmate that has ever wronged her, stolen a boyfriend, or kept her out of a group chat is at the mercy of a hormonal savage hellbent on exacting revenge through crappy assignments in the Apache Relay and embarrassing placements in the “C” kickball game.
While Scott was in Tel Aviv being honored for his life-saving work on Israel’s Iron Dome, a high-tech defense system that intercepts enemy missiles in split seconds, his mother was half a world away kvelling over Alyx’s enormous life-fulfilling accomplishment to anyone who would listen. Carrie, who pre-tipped her daughter’s counselors and is always sure to be the first person to “Like” any of Camp Huron Lake’s social media posts, knows that Alyx’s ass-kissing for the last month and a half was all worth it.
“Sure, Scott’s saving lives and changing the world but let’s face facts, there are like twenty people who get Nobel Prizes every year, most of which no one has ever heard of, but there are only twelve girls who are Camper Captains each summer,” Mrs. Gruberger rationalized, “Heck, those line up sheets for Senior Girls Swim Meet aren’t going to write themselves.”