Lake Huron, PA (August 3, 2021) – The prayers of some five hundred campers filling the dining hall with chants of “Fake Out, Fake Out, We Want a Breakout!”were incorrectly answered by God Almighty yesterday as the Creator smote Camp Huron Lake with an outbreak of food poisoning instead of clearing the skies of thunderstorms so Director Marty Feldstein could parachute out onto the lower basketball courts while tossing split sheets into the sky to usher break out this year’s Color War.
“Listen, I made a mistake. Outbreak, breakout. I’m huma…actually I’m not but I’m not perfect,” God explained. “It’s been a tough week. I’m really busy with the Tokyo Olympics. I was watching the fencer from Algeria win a bronze so I wanted to make sure that he thanked me for the strength and guidance I gave him to win the medal. He didn’t so I’ve been a little thrown off.”
Typically, the summer-ending Color War begins with an extraordinary event or stunt to begin the festivities. Some camps hire the latest celebrities or sports figures to show up in person or on video while others stage elaborate events at camp to whip the camp into a frenzy in anticipation of the summer’s most exciting five days.
Unfortunately, around two hundred lower camp children were stricken with severe stomach cramps, nausea, and vomiting while Color War breakout was delayed indefinitely all because the Immortal was a bit distracted. To make up for the error, God reportedly will make the bout of food poisoning last only twenty-four hours and will solve the camp’s food delivery issues by turning a handful of the camp’s stones to bread, preferably challah, and will turn the pool water into wine for tomorrow night’s adult staff soiree.
“This summer has been really tough for me because I have to answer a ton, I mean a ton, of requests from parents asking for their kids to be in multiple pictures, sibling pictures, yada, yada, yada,” an exasperated God commented, “Just last week, Sharon Flakowitz from the Five Towns begs me for just one picture of her darling Maryssa and I made sure the camp shutterbug took three pictures of her but, no, that’s never enough. She along with thousands of others pray to me every night just before 11pm for more. I can’t please this woman!”