Cherry Hill, NJ (July 2, 2018) – Scott Eberstein, a 46 year-old quantitative mathematics fellow from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and father of two, believes he may have finally figured out the Camp Huron Lake mail and package policy after his children’s sixth summers there. Working nights and weekends for the past three years to truly understand what can and cannot be sent, Eberstein feels that he may be able to successfully send a package to one or both of his campers this summer.
Several years ago, Eberstein felt like he cracked the code only to be emailed a new list of mail and package rules much to his chagrin. With many camps now banning food packages, the world-renowned mathematician found himself back at square one. Among the new, even more confusing rules received in early June are:
- Only flat packages are allowed. These may contain any items forgotten, stolen, or misplaced but cannot include any electronics, food, personal care items, or any item that can potentially be forgotten, stolen, or misplaced.
- Any boxes received by the camp are subject to search, seizure, or confiscation of the contents of said box depending on the likelihood that the item can be resold on eBay and/or used as a prize/reward for a camp activity.
- Any flat package containing a Flat Stanley will result in the intended recipient of the package being docked for a week’s worth of Free Play.
- Packages may be received by the camp office on all days with the exception of Monday through Sunday.
- No packages not containing anything or nothing but not limited to something will not be delivered to anybody, nobody, or somebody regardless whether or not the bunk number is not placed in the incorrect line.
Eberstein and his wife, Sharon, have been preparing several types of packages and letters to send to their children but have been hesitant to put them in the mail fearing they will never reach their intended recipients. Sharon, tears streaming down her cheeks, lamented, “All I want is for my baby boy to have an extra Mad Libs,” unaware that most campers fill out the first story with curses and various slang words for bodily waste, get a good laugh, then never use it again.
With only days left until Visiting Day, Eberstein believes he has figured out what can and cannot be sent to camp. “If all of my formulas and calculations are accurate, I believe all of these cryptic rules can be summed up pretty simply: Your kids already have enough shit at camp. Please don’t send a fuckin’ package.”