Huron Lake, PA (July 3, 2018) – With temperatures soaring into the mid 90’s and humidity at eighty percent, all of boys side at Camp Huron Lake is experiencing painful, debilitating chafing essentially bringing all non-water-related activities to a crippling halt. The infirmary has been inundated with male campers and counselors writhing in pain and is now running dangerously low on baby powder and Lotrimin. With temperatures expected to remain brutally hot, there is unfortunately no relief in sight. Camp Director Marty Feldstein has already ordered and is eagerly awaiting four cases of Gold Bond Extra Strength ointment in hopes of salvaging the summer for half of the camp.
For nearly all of boys side, each carefully calculated step is a reminder that the creases between their thighs and groin is growing more and more inflamed with every tiny movement. What started out as a small rash has developed into full blown Camp Crotch, a medical condition more severe than the most potent poison ivy and poison oak combined. Experts fear that once Camp Crotch reaches any part of the testicles and surrounding area, campers may be forced to be hospitalized.
For Senior Boy Jake Herman, when it comes to Camp Crotch it is certainly not his first rodeo although, ironically, he has been walking like he rode a horse bareback-style for twenty straight hours. “I never thought anything could be as bad as the heatwave of 2015. I couldn’t walk two or three steps without nearly passing out due to the pain. But I’m not going to sugarcoat it, this year’s round of Camp Crotch is some of the nastiest I’ve ever experienced,” Jake commented as the pain in his genital area intensified. “The pain is so bad that if the pool is too crowded, I may even jump in the lake to seek relief. Actually, the lake is pretty gross.”
Some of the older female campers are having a difficult time empathizing with the boys’ plight. “For one week every month for the next forty damn years, I’m going to feel like my insides are being ripped from my body. Do I feel bad for them? Yeah, right,” Teen camper Alexys Greenstein remarked. “One little douchebag said it was probably worse than childbirth. I hope for his sake his mom doesn’t hear him say that.”
Girls Side has been for the most part unscathed during the heatwave. There has, however, been a significant rise in underboob sweat among the CITs and counselors which has been easily treated without complaint using a cold damp cloth.