Marlboro, NJ (June 21, 2017) – Sources have confirmed that ten-year old Jeremy Fishbein will be taking his last real shower tomorrow before heading off to Camp Huron Lake on Saturday morning. Although he will only be semi-clean after bathing, Fishbein will be downright sparkling compared to what he will look and smell like in the middle of August when he returns home.
Fishbein has long despised any type of bathing activities in general and sleepaway camp offers him the freedom and flexibility to exercise his right to not have to shower on a daily basis. At the very least, his mother will not be checking behind his ears, smelling under his arm pits, or making sure his hair has been thoroughly conditioned and washed. And with camps nervous about pre- and post-pubescent privacy incidents, there likely be no counselor supervision in or around the shower area.
Jake Fishbein, Jeremy’s thirteen-year old brother had a similar disdain for showering at camp but found several ways to “stay clean” with little to no effort. “I had my mom pack me the Suave 3 in 1…soap, conditioner, and shampoo in one bottle. Easy to carry, no loser shower caddy to lug around,” Jake lectured. “You put some on your head, rub it in, then let gravity do the rest. You never have to actually wash yourself. The 3 in 1 does it for you. The soap/conditioner/shampoo mix touches at least 30% of your body. It’s a no-brainer.”
The elder Fishbein also employed the Axe Body Spray method of bathing by rinsing for ten to fifteen seconds in the shower stall to give the appearance of washed hair. Upon stepping out, Jake generously applies Hawaiian Sunshine Body Spray all over himself in an effort to mask any odors emanating from his filthy exterior. While this method is rather effective, applying sun screen or bug spray could lead to a dangerous if not deadly skin condition but many boys believe the reward greatly outweighs the risk.
In the younger Fishbein’s mind, daily bathing may be satisfied by swimming in the pool, waterskiing in the lake, partaking in a water balloon fight, or enjoying some rowdy hijinks on the camp Slip ‘n Slide. “I’m not showering at all this summer if I can help it,” commented Fishbein, dreading his upcoming last cleansing. “If there’s a sprinkler on, I’m running through it. If it’s raining out, I’m dancing in it. I’m telling you, I have seven weeks of freedom and I’m not going to waste any of it showering.”
When told that his mother, Janice, also packed two tubes of toothpaste and three toothbrushes, Fishbein laughed out loud. “Good luck with that!”
Mrs. Fishbein has already scheduled a trip to the local prison for a full delousing and fire hose washing on the way home from the camp bus pickup.