Syosset, NY (June 20, 2022) – Rather than risking a trial separation or possibly a divorce, Scott Lichtenberg and his two children spent a week in a local Marriott Residence Inn to avoid crossing paths with his crazed wife and mother of his children, Chloe, as she prepared her children’s camp trunks for an exciting summer at Camp Huron Lake. The married 46 year-olds, with the help of nearly a year’s worth of therapy, decided being apart with little to no communication outside of medical emergencies or death would be the best path to take for the health of their relationship and family.
After the COVID pandemic cancelled the summer camp season of 2020, Chloe was in full on psycho mode packing up her kids for their first experience away from home. Armed with a cell phone in one hand, a computer within arm’s reach, and a dozen or so packing lists downloaded from various camp websites, Lichtenberg ensured that any possible item she could think could be ordered either over the phone or internet. As of yesterday, not only has she spoken to multiple Amazon representatives but also has a meeting scheduled tomorrow with CEO Jeff Bezos to determine why she hasn’t received her daughter’s embroidered Charles River jacket yet.
Husband Scott, thirteen year-old M’Ken-zee, and eleven year-old J’ache have been enjoying their time at the moderately priced yet comfortable hotel. “It’s really relaxing over here. I put out the clothes I wanted on my bed at home then got the hell out of the house before my mom could tell me everything I’m missing and which were the clothes I’m packing that I’ll never need,” lamented J’ache. “She’s usually a really good, supportive mother but around early to mid-June she goes from being Bruce Banner to the Hulk. I feel bad for my dad.”
While the rest of her family enjoys swimming in both the indoor and outdoor pool along with a complimentary hot breakfast, Mrs. Lichtenberg has been existing on a steady diet of No-Doz pills mixed with a few grams of cocaine in order to wash, label, and pack all of her children’s belonging. Despite dry cleaning their bedding and linens upon the kids’ return last summer then storing them in vacuum-sealed bags, the overly neurotic mom doesn’t trust that the air-tight Ziploc guarantee has kept the items free of dirt and mold resulting in an additional fifteen hours of washing and drying cycles.
“I know everyone sees the pictures on Facebook of my wife posing with the trunks and it all looks great but behind those bloodshot photoshopped eyes, there is a woman who slept only two to three hours all week and will likely crash in a stupefied haze for the next few days,” Chloe’s husband of seventeen years remarked, “I’m reserving a room here for the four days before Visiting Day. I learned my lesson last year when it was cancelled at the last minute and she force fed me seven pounds of gummy worms and a solid chocolate Bunk 28 plaque.”