Blue Crips vs. Red Bloods Color War Results in Dozens of Injuries

Huron Lake, PA (August 9, 2016) – The 2016 edition of Camp Huron Lake’s Color War turned ugly as dozens of campers were seriously injured during the four and a half day event.  Looking for some more street credibility and an “edge” after last summer’s Blue Smurfs vs. Red Elmos, director Marty Feldstein decided a Blue Crips vs. Red Bloods Color War would be a great idea to give his camp back the swagger it was desperately lacking after last year’s debacle.

After breaking Color War by having Boys Side Head Counselor Chad Goldstein maim several campers hanging out on their bunk porches during a “drive-by”.  Goldstein used a semi-automatic paint ball gun to shoot the campers while hanging out of Feldstein’s tricked out Honda Civic then threw the split sheets in the air to lure more campers out of the bunks for clearer, closer-range shots.

Day One started with the always popular Tug of War competition where each team would try to pull the other onto their side to ignite a smaller, non-point-winning “turf war” in which campers competed in a no holds-barred melee in an attempt to physically injure their bunkmates for the remainder of the competition.  Because her best friend all summer long Jackie Schwartz was on the Bloods, Junior Girl and Crips Camper Captain Sophie Markowitz, 8, beat the ever-loving crap out of Schwartz during the ten-minute fracas following the tug.  “Bitch stepped up to me, so I showed that ho’ what happens when you fuck with me,” explained Markowitz as she wiped some of her friend’s blood from her fists.  “I can’t wait for Color War to be over so we can braid each other’s hair and do lanyards again.”

Over the next few days of intense, dangerous competition, the infirmary was bustling as campers came in to be treated for multiple stabbings, concussions, and broken bones.  Senior Boy Jake Brenner hit a game-winning home run for the Bloods but was shanked by the Crips catcher, Joshua Eisenstein, for “disrespecting” the Crips team after he raised his arms in victory.  Eisenstein made sure to use a clean sterilized knife when stabbing his bunk bed mate of four summers in order for the wound to be easily cleaned and stitched for little to no scarring. “I love Brenner.  He lit a candle at my Bar Mitzvah but Color War is Color War.  I knew I had to stab him or else my team would have thought I was a ‘bitch’ so I wanted to do it as neatly and painlessly as possible.  He’s my best friend.  Why would I want to permanently disfigure him?”

( Despite breaking most of her teeth during the post-tug of war fight, this camper was all smiles when Color War ended.

( Despite breaking most of her teeth during the post-tug of war fight, this camper was all smiles when Color War ended.

The Color War Sing and Banner presentation, the culmination of Color War and a sign that summer is near its end, was a hundred times more intense and bloody as any the camp has ever seen.  As the Super Senior Girls on the Bloods were entering the Sing, their Crips counterparts awaited silently in preparation for a sneak attack.  Sydney Simon of the Crips started the brawl by ruining six years of extensive orthodontic work in her BFF Amanda Stein’s mouth with a nasty sucker punch that left Stein unconscious.  As chaos erupted, Director Marty Feldstein watched boys and girls beating each other senseless, and whispered with pride to his wife, “These kids wanted a war and that’s exactly what we gave them. We did well this year. We did well.”

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