Kids Humiliated by Scantily Dressed, Overly Tan Mom
Huron Lake, PA (July 23, 2019) – Heather Heldman, 46, of Plainview, NY absolutely ruined her brand new, $4,000 visiting day outfit due to a toxic combination of sweat and bronzer after participating in her annual Visiting Day sprint this past weekend. Camp Huron Lake, where Heldman’s 12-year-old twins, Jaykob and Jewelia have been attending for the past four summers, saw temperatures reach nearly 104 degrees, the highest recorded mercury reading since 1932 just moments before the stampede of parents rushed through the gates.
Heldman, like many attention-starved camp parents, began her Visiting Day beauty and fashion preparations immediately after the twins leave for camp. After dropping the kids off at the bus in the Modell’s parking lot, she immediately drives to meet with her stylist at Saks 5th Avenue while her husband, Jonathan, sits quietly out of view of the shopping carnage about to unfold. The goal of her stylist every summer is to put together a trendy look that is overpriced and not functional for camp but obviously worth it in order to impress/disgust her children’s bunkmates’ mothers.
Heldman visits several stores and boutiques over the course of four weeks before settling on a look. “I have to treat this as a full-time job,” stated Heldman. “Cameras are everywhere on Visiting Day and the posts on social media can last for days afterwards. I can only imagine what would happen if I was in the background of a picture wearing the wrong type of overpriced ripped shorts.”
Unfortunately, Heldman, who uses copious amounts of bronzer to give the appearance that she vacations on the equator, changes her diet for the first weeks of July which creates a toxic level of sweat which ate through the fabric of her Balmain White Three Button tank top and inappropriately short denim shorts.
“I’m following the K Protocol,” states Heldman. “I only drink kale and Kombucha smoothies. Oh, and kwine, the K is silent.” The new diet drastically altered the ph balance of her sweat to dangerously noxious levels. Heldman discovered her new outfit was entirely shredded and stained immediately after the sprint and first hugs.
When asked if she was embarrassed having to spend the rest of Visiting Day practically naked, Heldman said “No. The $4,000 was still well spent. And the new Golden Goose sneakers were mostly intact. The shoes are most important anyway.”
Heldman went back to her local stores Monday morning to fashion an outfit for the parking lot pick up in four short weeks.