Huron Lake Defeats Columbia U Encampment in Inter(en)camp(ment) Softball Game

Lake Huron, PA (Juy 16, 2024) – The Camp Huron Lake co-ed counselor softball team defeated a team of overly-aggressive Pro-Hamas, anti-American antisemites and racists from the encampment at the prestigious Ivy League institution Columbia University by the score of 18-0 in game that took place due to a scheduling blunder of biblical proportions.  Huron Lake Athletic Director Sam Feldstein, brother of Camp Director Marty Feldstein, mistakenly invited the Columbia encampment softball team instead of the Summer Program at Columbia attendees leading to his dismissal several hours following the disaster of a game. 

“My wife’s nephew is doing the summer program because he really wants to go there next fall and they don’t have much scheduled in terms of athletics so I figured I’d invite them out for a fun day,” noted Feldstein, uncle of Geoff Goldstein, owner of a 2.7 GPA at Millburn High School.

The Columbia squad was comprised of both students and faculty along with a few professional agitators, none of whom seemed to have ever picked up a bat or a ball or been a part of any type of team. They got off to a tough start almost the moment they left their campus as traffic snarled for miles but fortunately the anti-Israel hate group was able to navigate a better route to the Poconos using the free Waze app to navigate around the jam.

Following a round of “We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit, how ‘bout you?” from the Huron Lake, Professor of Anti-Israeli/Jewish studies Louis Worthington led the sheep-like students in a several motivational cheers back at the hospitable counselors including Pro-Palestine protest staples “From the River to the Sea” and the always popular “Intifada” chants.

“What I love about these chants is that they’re so catchy and ‘rhymey’ and the irony that we’re protesting for peace by asking for the murder of white colonizers and imperialists,” noted an anonymous Columbia junior sitting on a monument honoring the eponymous displaced Huron Indian tribe just steps away from the field.

In addition, the Columbia encampers, who turned their signs upside down to use the wooden handles as bats, made a point to yell at the eight and nine year-old spectators letting them know that they are to blame for the situation in the Middle East then lectured the second and third graders on the underlying racist, Zionist subtext of the Partition Resolution of 1947.

“What a waste of time.  They didn’t get a hit then their pitcher could barely throw a pitch and walked twenty-one straight batters so we called the game,” commented Huron Lake outfielder and junior boy assistant group leader, Howie Kaplan. “It was almost as if they hadn’t done any physical exercise in months or even taken a shower for that matter.”

Unfortunately for the Columbia squad, two members of their traveling party struggled to breathe and fainted on the way back to their bus due to a combination of several layers of masks and keffiyehs and the stifling 97 degree heat.  The angry miscreants were further angered when learning they were treated by camp doctors and “apartheid-loving fascist sons of bitches” Shlomo Horowitz and Ruchel Rabinowitz-Rubenstein who recently returned from a Doctors without Borders mission to Sudan.