Week 5 Camp Doctor: Podiatry School Didn’t Prepare Me for “Vomit Apocalypse”

Lake Huron, PA (July 30, 2026) – A nasty stomach bug is ravaging several Pennsylvania sleepaway camps including Camp Huron Lake where nearly 80% of the campers have been reported to have either complained of non-stop vomiting and/or spent the better part of the day on the toilet expunging anything in their bodies that’s been ingested since they were born. The “Vomit Apocalypse” as coined by the New York Post is said to have a two to three day lifespan. Unfortunately for these campers, the Health Center is ill-equipped to handle the situation as Week 5 Camp Doctor, Dr. Jeff Goldenberg, a podiatrist from Great Neck, is in way over his head.

Goldenberg’s two children attend the camp so he receives a generous discount on the grotesquely overpriced tuition by offering his services for one week of the summer session. This is Goldenberg’s third summer serving as the onsite doctor but in his previous two stints, he spent his time putting band-aids on minor scrapes and abrasions, handing out lozenges and ibuprofen, and hanging out at the docks at the exact time the female CITs sunned themselves during an off period.

“This has been a nightmare for me.  I didn’t sign up for this. The Hippocratic Oath doesn’t cover four hundred kids spewing liquids and solids out of every orifice of their bodies,” complained Goldenberg. “I did one gastro rotation twenty years ago.  I’m a foot guy. Come in with a broken toe or plantar fasciitis and I’m your man.”

Goldenberg was a losing Color War general at the camp in 1987 and his suspect leadership skills were on display when he sent all of the Camp Mothers to grab every roll of toilet paper and case of Gatorade within an hour of the camp, had the maintenance staff dig trenches to serve as makeshift toilets, and had the woodworking specialist fashion several dozen toilet seat stools to accommodate the hundreds of sick campers.

One anonymous male camper not impacted by the bug ironically because he was in the Health Center when the virus spread described the scene. “It was like nothing I’ve ever witnessed.  Kids were vomiting, shitting, crying.  I saw Jake Seiden get ripped off the toilet by Josh Caplan, and I know it doesn’t sound possible, but Caplan sat down then vomited between his legs while shitting profusely. It was part disgusting, part impressive.”

Any campers unable to make it to a toilet have been encouraged to use the lake in emergency situations.

Director Marty Feldstein who was conspicuously off camp grounds accruing Marriott points at a local Residence Inn for the past two days for his “mid-summer break” has been getting hourly updates regarding status of the camp’s collective health. 

“Looks like we have our Color War teams this summer. Puke versus Shit. Should make for some fun fight songs,” Feldstein said in a hard to determine whether he was joking manner.