Lake Huron, PA (July 28, 2020) – Jake Horowitz, despite being the only camper at Camp Huron Lake, was forced to self-quarantine due to a blistering 98.8 degree temperature that Director Marty Feldstein deemed too high for him to spend Visiting Day with his father and step-mother. State of Pennsylvania Health Department (PHD) regulations require a COVID-19 Nasal PCR test for any camper demonstrating any symptom including nausea, vomiting, fever, five-finger bruise, cough, wet-willie ear, shortness of breath, crotch rash, or headache.
Feldstein did, however, allow Horowitz’s father, Gilbert, to spend some quality time with his son from a safe distance in the infirmary while Feldstein escorted the boy’s step-mom, 35 year-old Destinee, around the camp grounds to ensure her safety from a potentially contagious situation.
“I know the PHD requires any fever over 100 degrees to be a warning sign but I like to err on the side of caution when it comes to the camper’s safety,” explained Feldstein while he searched for his stash of Hawaiian Tropic Dark Bronzing Formula SPF -5 he hoped to apply to Mrs. Horowitz’s toned physique. “I also took it upon myself to impose a rule that only blood relatives be allowed in the quarantine area so unfortunately Destinee was not allowed in. I had Arts & Crafts make a sign so it’s official.”
After locking Mr. Horowitz in the quarantine area, Feldstein along with the camp photographer who was requested to take plenty of shots for a special photo album documenting their special day together that Feldstein will present Destinee if she returns for Jake’s pickup, proceeded to bring Destinee to the newly refurbished yoga studio to help her stretch out her sore limbs from the three hour drive from New York City.
“I’d hate for Destinee to pull a muscle when trying on the camp-issued bathing suit I purchased for her. I also want her to show me the downward dog pose and capture that for the album,” remarked Feldstein as he ruffled through his bag for the yoga teacher’s micro bikini made up of two face masks for the top and one for the bottom.
“The CDC requires everyone to wear a face mask so I’ve made sure Mrs. Horowitz is complying by the law. Luckily, I found a loophole since it doesn’t specifically say on what part of the body it has to be on. My lawyers have confirmed this.”
Following a gourmet lunch provided by a local farm to table caterer, Feldstein escorted Destinee to the recently constructed tanning deck overlooking scenic Huron Lake, perfect for both her and the camp director to relax and discuss Jake’s summer, Destinee’s hopes and dreams, and Feldstein’s upcoming divorce hearing. Additionally, the deck will provide Destinee a place to be safely gawked at by out of shape, balding fathers who will tell their spouses that they are staring at the lake for many more Visiting Days in the future.
“I like the personal attention Marty gives to the parents. Last summer he kept talking to me even though a camper and his grandmother were drowning in the lake only steps away,” said the surgically-enhanced trophy wife. ‘That’s what makes Camp Huron Lake so special.”
Jake is expected to make a full recovery from his “fever” and be released from the infirmary the second his father and step-mom leave the camp grounds.
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