Horowitz Inexplicably Loses Color War Despite No Opponent

Lake Huron, PA (August 11, 2020) – In what can only be described as a monumental failure, Senior Boy Jake Horowitz, the only camper this summer at Camp Huron Lake due to the Covid pandemic, lost Color War as his Blue Oysters were defeated by the White Snakes despite the White Snakes having absolutely no one on the team.  It was a fitting ending to a summer that held so much promise at the beginning but ultimately proved to be a miserable seven weeks.

Horowitz struggled throughout the five-day competition.  After initially losing points for his team for wearing a white shirt instead of a blue one (the majority of his clothing was lost during the weekly laundry), he bounced back by winning a nail-biter of a t-ball softball game as he finally made contact after striking the tee for fifteen straight outs and circled the bases in the sixth inning. 

Unfortunately, however, the basketball game did not go as planned.  After winning the jump ball against no one, he ran to the wrong basket, scored a layup then complained of back spasms and heat exhaustion.  Unable to continue, Horowitz took the 2-0 loss while he enjoyed several ice cream sandwiches while sitting on the bench as the clock wound down the final three quarters.

To accommodate Horowitz’s supposed heat exhaustion issues, Camp Director Marty Feldstein, moved the Swim Meet up a day so his camper would still be able to compete, albeit in a cooler, more comfortable.  In the first event, Horowitz had to be pulled out of the water by Head Lifeguard Josh Stonestein when he suffered severe cramping likely caused by a two hamburger, three hot dog lunch.  The disqualification again lost points for the Blue Oysters as the team-less White Snakes team took a commanding lead.

“I felt bad for the kid but he was in a no win situation,” explained Stonestein as his twirling whistle nearly took out Horowitz’s left eye once the boy was safely out of the pool. “Even if he finished the race, he would’ve been disqualified for swimming alone.  Gotta have a swim buddy in the pool.  Rules are rules.”

The final nail in the coffin for Horowitz came at last night’s Sing and Banner Presentation.  Horowitz struggled mightily to remember the words to the camp alma mater, did not come up with a fight song, and instead mouthed the word “watermelon” to the background music of Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” in an attempt to fool the judges.   The icing on the cake came when Horowitz’s banner lost to an unadorned piece of 4’ x ‘6 plywood, sealing his fate as a Color War loser. 

The 2020 Color War winning banner.

Feldstein was unapologetic when commenting on Horowitz’s attempt at art. “His banner was one of the worst I’ve ever seen.  It just said ‘Oysters’ and there was a picture of a brownish-green what I think was a lobster underneath.  Oyster was spelled with an ‘I’ in place of the ‘Y’.  There was no way we could ever hang that banner in the Social Hall with the past winners.  Instead I’ll probably use the winning banner to replace a piece of the roof that came off during the tropical storm last week and we’ll cut up Horowitz’s piece of crap into smaller pieces and throw it in the woods so the kids can find them and use them for kindling for next summer’s Rope Burn.”

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