Huron Lake, Pa (July 19, 2014) – With the exception of ten bowls of Golden Grahams cereal consumed in the “Goldie” competition, he hadn’t eaten anything with fructose, glucose, or corn syrup for nearly three weeks, so when Junior Boy camper Jake “Goldie” Goldenberg of Merrick, NY, received a candy-coated oversized tennis racquet from his parents on Visiting Day, his body was not equipped to handle the oncoming tidal wave of sugar. No one could have possibly anticipated the horror that would unfold only seconds before his parents left to go home.
It was a beautiful day at Camp Huron Lake as parents lined up just outside the camp’s gates eagerly awaiting reunions with their children. Once the proverbial flood gates opened, Jake’s mother, Elisa, ran to Bunk 11 with candy and bunk junk in hand. As she reached the bunk porch, she was tackled by frothing-at-the-mouth Jake who ravenously grabbed the candy tennis racquet, yelled “Gimme bitch!” He then retreated back inside the bunk like a mouse scampering back into its hole while his mother lay semi-conscious in the dirt under some damp towels on the outside lines.
Jake began to work on the racquet handle made up of Gummi Bears and Gummi Worms. After polishing them off in six minutes he started to work on the mini Three Musketeers on the shaft of the racquet quickly devouring between fifteen and twenty bars. Just as his mother began to regain consciousness, his father, Jon, arrived after parking the car and feted him with a box of twenty-eight black and white cookies spelling out “Camp Huron Lake. We love you Jake!”
After thanking his father for the cookies then quickly brushing him aside, Jake got back to work devouring the licorice strings of the racquet then hastily munched on the outer edge adorned with packages of Sour Patch Kids and Reese’s Pieces. Letting out some foul-smelling anal acoustics, Jake then passed out on his bed in a two and a half hour sugar-induced coma. While his father accompanied his mother to the infirmary to check out his mother’s head wound and possible concussion, Jake rested comfortably waiting to continue the candy onslaught.
The afternoon siesta ended as Jake woke up from a horrible nightmare that Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula were choking him to death. Wasting no time once awake, the ten year-old went to town on the cookies. Unlike his childhood hero, Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, Jake not only chewed all twenty-eight cookies, but he actually swallowed and digested them too. As his stomach growled and he hunched over with sharp intestinal pains, the boy yelled out to everyone, “Everyone out of the bunk!! You’ll thank me later!!”, grabbed an Archie comic book and did a dead sprint to the first bathroom stall.
A lengthy cleaning out of his bowels led Jake to scarf down a one-pound package of Oreos and washed it down with a six-pack of diet Mountain Dew. As visiting day came to a close and Jake’s counselors were kindly ushering the parents out of the bunk area, Jake let out a 115 decibel (approximately equal to that of a rock concert) burp, vomited all over his bunkmate’s bed and the surrounding floor, then passed out again. His parents, witnessing this unfortunate event, quickly rushed to their car to escape any responsibility. “We pay a lot of money for him to go to this camp. There’s no way I’m cleaning up after him. Hell, it wasn’t even his bed he yakked on,” explained Jon as he jumped through the open window into the car leaving his concussed wife in his dust. “It was still a better day than we expected.”