“Not a Fake Out” swears director; “Screw that cheap bastard” yells junior boy
Lake Huron, Pa (Aug 3) – Horowitz Hall was filled to the brim with 400 raucous campers with boys side screaming “WE WANT A BREAKOUT, NOT A FAKE OUT!!” over and over followed by girls side chant “A.C.T.I.O.N, Action, Action, We Want Action!” Excitement filled the 75 year-old structure to the brim. One camper said she “felt like the walls were going to explode!”
Director Marty Feldstein, dressed in Camp Huron Lake attire from head to toe, strode to the stage and grabbed the microphone from the stand. Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” blared through overhead speakers and throughout camp as the anticipation grew. Marty’s wife, Helene, dressed in a way too tight sequined gown walked up next to him and presented him a shoebox-sized wrapped gift. Marty held the box up high to show the camp then proceeded to unwrap it and expose it for all to see.
“Who wants to guess what’s in this box?” asked Marty.
Senior boy Jake Liebowitz shouted out, “It’s a light saber! Star Wars is coming! Star Wars is coming!”
“It’s better!!!” replied Marty.
“It’s a pair of Nikes! LeBron is here!!!” yelled out junior girl Emily Wasserman.
“Still better!” Marty yelled back.
“It’s Robin Thicke’s mircrophone! Oh baby, this is awesome!!!” screamed Jill Horowitz, 15.
“Better…It’s a new Rainbow Loom for Arts & Crafts!!!” yelled Marty. “Color War has begun!!!!”
Silence filled the once deafening field house. A stunned room waited for Marty to let everyone in on the joke that never came. “I hope he’s kidding. If not, this is the worst fuckin’ breakout ever,” exclaimed sophomore girl camper, Emma Rothstein, 9. As the campers walked dejectedly back to their bunks to prepare for the five day Color War comments of “my dad’s going to sue this place”, “I hope this camp has a good attorney, because we’re suing” and “I’m taking him to court. My dad’s a lawyer,” were overheard. Many believed that there was no way a simple bracelet maker could signify the start of camp’s most anticipated event.
“If this really is it, my friends are gonna have a fuckin’ field day on me when I get home. They’re gonna rip me a new one. Their camps do real stuff,” lamented Jake Goldberg, 7. “This cheap son of a bitch has ruined my g-d damn summer. I heard last year he broke Color War with a Debbie Gibson impersonator so I didn’t think it could get worse. Fuck…now I have to find a new place to go next year.”
As the sun came up on Camp Huron Lake the next morning, campers were still waiting for the ‘real’ breakout to happen. But unfortunately it never did. Nevertheless, the campers enjoyed a fun five days of activities as they eagerly awaited a turn at the camp Rainbow Loom.
When asked if he had a healthy supply of camp colors blue and white rubber bands to use with the Rainbow Loom, Marty replied confusedly, “You need rubber bands for this? Oh shit!”