New York, NY (August 7, 2015) – Wall Street Camp Analysts surprised no one this morning when they predicted for the 78th consecutive year that approximately one-half of the sleep away camp population will lose Color War. Analysts additionally predicted that this trend will most likely remain in place for the next thousand or so years.
Color War is a late summer staple where the camp population is split evenly into two teams which compete against each other in various camp activities to determine a winner.
Working late into the night over for the past six months, junior analysts at investment banking powerhouses such as Dean Witter, Bear Stearns, EF Hutton, and Lehman Brothers have been furiously crunching numbers to determine the outcome of this summer’s Color War season. Interns from the University of Phoenix and University of Southern New Hampshire MBA programs have been creating complex algorithms to help predict what percentage of campers will go home losing Color War. Yet no matter how many times the calculations are performed, the answer keeps coming up as one half.
“We’ve done the math a thousand different ways…calculators, mainframe computers, abaci. Or is it abacuses? No matter what we do, we just can’t seem to come up with a different result. It’s so frustrating,” commented Barry Jacobs, a camp analyst at Lehman. “We’re looking into scenarios where there are more winners than losers but it just doesn’t compute.”
The impact of half the camp population losing Color War has not had a significant impact on enrollment for the following summer but analysts fear that it soon will. With increased pressure from parenting groups nationwide, camp directors are under a tremendous amount of pressure to make sure every child goes home a winner. Camp Huron Lake director Marty Feldstein has been dealing with this issue for the past few summers. “It’s a weird dilemma we have since half the kids really are tremendous losers at the end of Color War. So what we’ve done to soften the blow is to give the losing team pizza and ice cream and 2nd place trophies. The winners don’t get anything except for the pride in a job well done.”
Jacobs and his team of bean counters will be taking a much needed break between the end of camp and the beginning of school at his 8,000+ square foot East Hampton summer home before returning to work to begin analysis on next year’s Color War forecasts.
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