After Five Summers, Finkelstein Still Can’t Get to Second Base

Lake Huron, Pa (Aug 10) – He’s been going to a co-ed camp for the past five years, but 17 year-old Camp Huron Lake CIT Jake Finkelstein has yet to get to second with any of the female campers.  Finkelstein, a straight A student at Roslyn High School, has the exact characteristics he believes make him second-base material for the discriminating lady campers.

Everything was in place this year for Jake to finally achieve his years long goal of getting to second.  His grades were excellent.  He made the Junior Varsity Swim Team as well as the Debate Team, and his face has never looked better after nine months of remarkable skin-clearing results from ProActiv.   He was, as several of his bunkmates noted, the perfect guy to let get to second base.

Finkelstein even took to great lengths in order to ensure his hands and cuticles were in tip-top shape.  His mother, Jenna, 45, brought him to her manicurist for several weeks prior to the first day of camp to make sure his hands and nails were nice and soft so as not to scratch or mar any skin on his way to second base.  His mother warned him that a stray cuticle or hang nail could be the difference between only getting to first versus going all the way to second.

“Listen, I didn’t expect to get second when I was 13 or 14, but the last three summers have been really tough for me,” a dejected Finkelstein explained.  “There have been so many opportunities…out of camp trips, campfires, socials, I can’t even name them all.  I figured I’d get second almost by accident with this many chances.”

Getting to second by Finkelstein’s age is fairly commonplace in today’s hormone-crazy teen crowd.  Several of Finkelstein’s bunkmates claim to have gotten second off of girls from home but none of these accounts have ever been verified.  Longtime bunkmate Jake Steinway claims to have gotten to second a bunch of times but never to third.  “I live in the city so I pretty much get to second every time I step on the subway.  Never under the shirt though.  I had a girlfriend this year and I almost got to second but she said it was ‘that time of the month’.  I was really confused.  What the hell does that even mean?” confessed a perplexed Steinway, 17.

Most of the boys in Finkelstein’s group have offered up advice to help break this unenviable streak.  “Tell her you’ve been certified/pre-approved to get to second”, “Challenge her to wrestle”, and “Aim lower” are among the best advice he’s received so far.

When several female CIT’s were asked about Finkelstein’s chances of finally getting to second were, most replied with the same answer, “Finkelstein came back to camp this summer?  I don’t remember seeing him.”

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