Admissions Bribery Scandal Rocks Camp Huron Lake

Huron Lake, PA (July 8, 2019) – Not even a camp in rural Pennsylvania is immune to the greed and entitlement of society’s economic elite.  Once a camp that could barely fill its bunks every summer, over the past decade Camp Huron Lake has been upgrading facilities, bringing on the best staff, and providing a culinary experience no other camp can offer.  As a result of Director Marty Feldstein’s hard work and initiative but to the chagrin of many desperate parents, there is now a wait list for all of lower camp.  Most affected by the scandal, however, are families of prospective campers that had the home visit, attended rookie weekend, and got all their forms completed on time.

For Roslyn, New York’s Felicia Hoffman, getting put on the wait list was not an option.  Working with camp placement company, Campz for Kidz, Hoffman was guaranteed a spot in the Sophomore Division for her daughter, Alyxys, after “donating” $54,000 to a fictious charitable foundation.  In exchange for her generous contribution, Campz worked with Huron Lake Athletic Director Barry Weinberg, Marty’s brother-in-law, to assure her spot in Bunk 4.  Weinberg was provided photos of the nine year-old dunking a basketball, performing a ten meter platform dive, and scoring a goal in the 2019 Women’s World Cup (which at the time had yet to be played) to show that her athletic prowess would be a huge asset during intercamp games and Color War competitions. 

“I saw the pics and I was sold.  I told Marty we had to get this kid in the camp this summer,” commented Weinberg, as he fiddled with the keys to his recently purchased BMW while trying to adjust his speech to the brand new diamond stud on his front tooth.  “We need to make sure we have the best and brightest at Huron Lake and Alyxys is the type of kid we look for.”

The photo sent to Weinberg to show the nine year-old dunking a basketball.

Unfortunately for Campz for Kidz and Weinberg, the FBI was tipped off to the bribery scheme by some very angry parents of children on the wait list and launched Operation Varsity Jews to expose the illegal activity.  The FBI was quick to notice a pattern of suspicious amounts including multiples of eighteen which made following the money trail fairly simple.  

Hoffman, Weinberg, and representatives for Campz for Kidz are expected to appear in Federal Court following the seven week summer session. 

Retired District Judge Ron Weckstein, grandfather of Huron Lake Junior Girl Symantha Rosen, was asked what he believes the defendants can expect in court.  “Nothing is going to happen.  I don’t think they did anything illegal.  They’re just stupid.  Why not just build a new Gaga pit at the camp like I did?”

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