Week 7 and Sand Still in Damn Bed

“How the hell do I get rid of this?” laments Junior Boy.

Huron, PA (Aug 8) – He’s having the greatest summer he’s ever had.  Letters home to his parents have been plentiful scoring his experience a 9 out of 10.  But there’s one thing that’s keeping Camp Huron Lake Junior camper Jake Helfman’s summer from being perfect:  There’s always sand in his bed.

Unfortunately, Jake,10, isn’t alone.  Sand in My Bed has been reported as far south as Georgia and up north to Maine.  Campers across our great country have been suffering from Sand in My Bed for decades.  Sand, a naturally occurring granular material composed of finely divided rock and mineral particles, has been a dilemma that owners and directors have dealt with since the advent of sleep away camp.

Like many camps in the northeast, Camp Huron Lake picks up campers’ trunks one to two weeks prior to the start of the summer season.  This ensures that when the children arrive, beds are already made, clothing is put away and the kids can start having fun the second they get off the bus.   This summer, Jake’s mother, Allyson, packed him brand new Yankees sheets from Pottery Barn, a purchase his father, Jon, called “a waste of money” since last year’s sheets were in perfect shape.  “I didn’t want to take any chances this year with old sheets,” explained Allyson, “I wanted brand new ones, I even washed them and put them back in the original packaging before sending them up.”

“The first day of camp, we got off the bus, changed into our bathing suits then went straight to the pool.  I wore my flip flops and stayed 100 yards away from the lake just to be sure I didn’t touch a grain of sand.  That night I showered after a sand-free dinner then went to the social hall and watched the slide show showing the highlights of last summer.  I wore brand new socks and my sneakers were tied snugly on my feet,” Jake described the first day.  “We went back to the bunk where I put on my pajamas.  I didn’t even take off my sneakers!  Have you ever been naked with just sneakers and socks on?  Very awkward, somewhat liberating.  Anyway, I sat on my bed took off my sneakers and socks then went to bed.  My feet never touched the floor.  I woke up all itchy the next morning like I’m laying on the beach in Honolulu.  What the fuck!!!”

Sand in My Bed is the main reason why not one Boys Side bunk has gotten a perfect ‘10’ Inspection score.  Bunk 15 has struggled all summer with bunk hygiene.  Before Inter Boys Group Leader Mike “Tuna” Fishman inspects, the boys are ordered to shake their sheets clean of any sand and debris, sweep up any loose particles, then yell “DUSTPAN!!” to alert their bunkmate on dustpan duty.

“I don’t get it.  My sheets are spotless then during inspection, Tuna comes in and feels under the blanket at the foot of my bed and pulls out a massive handful of sand.  It’s pouring out of his hand it’s so much,” cried Jake Goldfein, 10, of Oyster Bay.  “Is David Fuckin’ Blaine in this bunk?!?!  I actually think he’s Jewish.  I’ll ask my grandpa on Visiting Day. He’ll know.”

“Bunk 15, the Sahara called, they want their damn sand back!  8.5!! Now clean up and let’s get out to your electives!” yelled Tuna.

Huron Lake’s Director Marty Fieldstein and several other camp directors have hired a team of sleep scientists to research this phenomenon and hopes to find a cure by the summer of 2018.  To donate, please call 1-866-555-SAND or visit www.sandinmybed.com.  Please don’t let another over privileged young child suffer for seven to eight weeks.

Be the first to comment on "Week 7 and Sand Still in Damn Bed"

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.