Campers Forced to Jump Out of Moving Cars at Drop Off, Dozens Injured

Lake Huron, PA (June 29, 2021) – Scores of young children were injured over the weekend as anxious parents could not be bothered to actually stop their cars when dropping off their children at Camp Huron Lake.  In years past, parents typically made a short drive to a mall or shopping center parking lot to release their kids to waiting luxury coach buses but due to Covid-19 protocols, parents were forced to spend an additional two-and-a-half to three hours of non-toll/mileage reimbursed time with the same children with whom they have spent every second of every minute, every hour of every day over the past twenty-two long and grueling months.

After parents shuttled their kids through the finely-tuned off-site testing process, they drove directly to Camp Huron Lake where head honcho Marty Feldstein and his staff warmly welcomed campers to their summer home away from home and directed them to their bunks.  Although Feldstein anticipated some parents being more eager to begin the next seven child-free weeks immediately, no one could have imagined several of the scenes that unfolded as parents tore through the camp in a cloud of dust to get rid of their children.

Hilary and Jon Weisenstein, parents of twins Jacksyn and Jacklyn, felt as if the never ending marathon that was the past year and ten months was enough to warrant slowing down to ten miles per hour then tossing each child out of the car in the general proximity of their bunks. After Hilary jumped in the back seat to presumably give her children one last hug, she leaned over Jacksyn flung open the door then used her left foot to forcibly throw him out of the mid-size SUV.  The eleven-year old landed awkwardly on the rock and tree root-covered dirt road several feet in front of Bunk 23.  Jon hightailed it to Girls Side then slowed the car down just enough to allow Jacklyn to perform a stunt roll by the stairs of Bunk 22 minimizing her injuries to a sprained wrist and several facial abrasions. 

Despite her children’s injuries including Jacksyn’s three cracked ribs, a lacerated spleen and an upcoming two-week stay in the infirmary, Hilary seemed to be in good spirits once arriving home and enjoying a bottle and half of Wolffer Estates Rose wine.

“They’re the camp’s problem now,” the mother of two slurred as wine dripped out of her mouth onto her shirt.  “I’ll give a shit in seven weeks.”

As hard as it has been socially and developmentally for children during the pandemic, often overlooked is the impact of Covid on adults who have not had time to unwind from the day to day slog of proofreading homework, posting political/vaccination opinions on several social media platforms, and most brutally, figuring out what to make for dinner each night.  It was a long road for all families but an even longer one for those whose children were assigned a drop off time late in the day.

Although most parents either kicked their children out of the car without a thought as to the potential injuries suffered, the Eisenschwartz parents, Ellie and Lenny, took a more cautious, thoughtful approach to making sure that tossing their fourteen-year old son would not end in life-threatening bodily damage.

“I definitely over packed for Jayke so I purposely left his pillows, blankets, and batting helmet off to the side.  When we were about ten minutes from camp, I put a pillow on his chest and back and wrapped them with his comforter,” explained Ellie who was able to pack more non-essential crap in the two allowed duffel bags. “I secured it with the belt he needs for the pants I packed him for the end of summer prom then put his batting helmet on to prevent a concussion.”

At press time, the Eisenschwartzes had not seen Jayke in any pictures but did see a boy in his bunk that looked eerily similar but was missing several teeth and appeared to have a bone sticking out of his right leg.

“Man, these kids need this summer and I’m so glad we can give him this gift,” Ellie opined. “I just wish we could’ve spent a few less hours with them today.”