Huron Lake, PA (June 4, 2018) – The finishing touches are just about done on Camp Huron Lake’s one-of-a-kind Fortnite Isolation Center, a creation of director Marty Feldstein. Fearing campers would be unable to go cold turkey without today’s most popular online game, Feldstein decided several months ago to build a brand new structure with forty soundproof six-by-six windowless pods to simulate the dark, lonely basement environment common to Fornite addicts.
Each pod consists of a half a yoga mat, a nineteen inch flat screen, an Xbox, and assorted airline headphones Feldstein has collected over the years on dozens of flights to and from his winter home in Boca Raton. The coffin-like rooms will each have artificial air pumped in for maximum alertness and, like most casinos, will not have any time telling apparatuses thus depriving the campers of knowing just how much of their summers have been wasted playing the ultra-addictive game. Additionally, the rooms will be insulated with the latest soundproof technology to ensure the gamers can ignore any adult in a position of authority. For an additional charge, campers will have access to Depends undergarments so they can relieve themselves without having to miss out on any playing time.
Several campers recently spent this past weekend testing out the prototypes and the results were unbelievably positive. “I played for nine straight hours. Came in the top ten around seven times and won two rounds. Had no idea that my mom was outside the pod yelling for me to eat lunch or to go outside on such a beautiful day,” explained red-eyed, funky-smelling Senior camper Jake Jacobson. “There was absolutely no face-to-face interaction with my bunkmates or counselors. This is truly my home away from home.”
Although the Fortnite center was not a cheap investment, Feldstein, through rigorous calculations, determined he would make his money back by the middle of the second week of camp. “The gamers will eat breakfast and probably nothing else the rest of the day. I’m cutting back on counselors since the kids don’t need supervision in their drone-like trances. And there’s no real wear and tear on the facilities since they’re not being used. It’s a win-win for everyone.”
While many leading child therapists and behavioral analysts have for years lauded sleepaway camp as an ideal environment for children of all ages to foster real human connections by spending fun-filled days away from the computer and smartphone screens, campers at Huron Lake are excited to hibernate for days at a time playing a game with random strangers across the globe. “Yeah, I like Josh Fishbein, my best friend for the past six summers, but when I’m playing Fortnite Battle Royale in my basement against some dude named WineDine69 who may live halfway around the world who I can’t see or hear, I feel like I’m making a genuine connection,” Jacobson remarked as his legs continued to atrophy due to lack of movement over several days.