Livingston, NJ (June 29, 2020) – Due to the Covid-19 outbreak, the Finkelstein twins, Jayke and Mychael, 11, yesterday embarked on a seven-week fun-filled camp experience of a lifetime in their newly finished walk-out basement. The boys will be joined by two Camp America counselors as well as a fulltime cook/porter to ensure they will be well fed and properly looked after. The twins’ parents, Jennn and Mattt, have dead-bolted the basement door closed to give the boys a true sense of being away from home.
The basement contains all the luxuries of camp the boys have become accustomed to. In addition to three foot wide camp-style beds filled with several thousand microscopic grains of sand to give that real camp feel, the bathroom has been set up with a sink already littered with globs of toothpaste to give the appearance of brushed teeth, a prefab shower complete with a flimsy plastic curtain that’s too big for the opening, and an unventilated bathroom stall for maximum sweating/sticking to the seat, equipped with a broken door lock to make sure that ninety percent of their bowel movements will be interrupted by someone barging in.
Mattt replaced the 84” flat screen TV with a pocketsize AM/FM radio so the boys can possibly pick up a static-filled AM signal for the Yankees or Mets if baseball ever comes back. To really cap off the bunk feeling, Mattt installed open wood shelving way too close to the bathroom to ensure that any humidity falls directly on the boys’ wardrobes giving it that mildewy summer feel.
The new kitchen has been equipped with all of the necessary equipment such as a 32-gallon steel drum with accompanying wooden boat oar so the boys will still get that good old-fashioned bug juice taste miles away from Camp Huron Lake, the camp they have been attending since 2017. Each breakfast will consist of delicious cereals such as Frosty Flakes, Honey Nut Tasty-O’s, and Fortunate Charms to really bring home that generic camp breakfast taste.
Jennn and Mattt have trained the two nineteen year-old British counselors for a week to make sure they are able to speak with an accent thick enough for the twins to only be able to pick up a word or two each sentence they speak so they spend the summer sort of knowing what’s going on. The counselors will teach the boys swimming in the newly purchased blow up pool if it arrives from China in the next week or so and will also be helping the boys with their bracelet-making using some of the three plus miles of lanyard Mattt purchased on eBay.
“I’m going to miss them so much,” Jennn rued tearfully. “I really can’t wait until Visiting Day when we unlock the door and see them for three hours. I hope they write to let me know what to bring.”